Opening Up

I can be guarded sometimes.  I don't always open up easily.  And when I do, it's often on my timeline and on my terms.

That's not always a bad thing. 

But, sometimes it leads to my own demise (not literally thankfully, but nonetheless).

I shared in my post yesterday that I'd been struggling a bit and that Nash had tried to get me to open up, but that I hadn't been ready to do so.  Well, by late last night he'd had enough and wanted to know what was bothering me and he wasn't giving up until he found out.

I did need to talk to him.  It's just that I'd already decided that I didn't, that I shouldn't, that I needed to keep it to myself, deal with it myself.  And, well, I can be stubborn.

In truth I should have talked with him when I first started feeling upset, but instead I kept it all in and that allowed those feelings to fester and grow.

As he tried to get me to open up, I tried to talk my way out of it.  But, I was too tired and too upset to put on a good enough show and he easily saw through my feeble attempt.

He wanted to know what was wrong and why I was distancing from him.

My antennae went up ... distancing ... was that what I was doing? 

Yes ... though I wouldn't admit it.

But, he didn't seem to need me to admit it.  He already knew.

And then he guessed what was bothering me.  And I couldn't hold it all in anymore.  With tears streaming down my face I finally opened up.

I'd had a job offer, which I had hastily accepted and I was having second thoughts.  Yes, I would make more money, but at the cost of time with my kids and my husband and possibly more than that.

Nash had misgivings about it from the beginning, when I told him I'd applied for it and had been contacted for an interview.  The more I shared with him about the job, the more negatives he shared that he saw. 

But, I wasn't listening, not really.

I had decided that I needed to prove myself to him ... prove that I was capable ... prove my worth.

So, when he pointed out negatives, I took them as negatives about me, not about the job.  What I heard was that I couldn't do it, not that I shouldn't do it.  What I heard was that I wasn't up to the job, not that the job wasn't a good fit for me.  What I heard was that I was less than, not that the job was less than.

And so, by the time the job offer was made, I'd already decided that if they offered it to me I needed to take it.  Oh, I quibbled with them about details first, in a quest to make it a better fit.  But, the reality was that I'd already decided I was going to accept the job.  I didn't feel like I had any choice.  I felt like if I didn't that would prove that I was indeed a failure and worthless.

I'm imagining Nash just shaking his head as he reads this because none of that came from him.  I may have decided how he felt, but I did so without consulting him.  I was pushing my own feelings about myself off on him.  We've had discussions before about how I need to not decide for him how he feels or what he thinks.  And, though I think or at least I hope I've gotten better about that generally speaking, it's all too easy to fall back into old patterns of behavior and ways of thinking sometimes.  And that's exactly what I did.

My husband loves me and knows I'm capable, not less than.  He knows my worth.  It's me that struggles with my own self worth at times.

I made the call that I needed to make today, apologizing that I wasn't going to take the job after all.  And I felt like a weight had been lifted off of me afterward.  I still feel badly about how I handled things, with the company I had the job offer from, but especially with my husband.

In case you're wondering, I hadn't given notice yet at my current job, so I am still employed.  And that's a good thing.  I do like my job.  It's just that I wish I was making more money so that I could contribute more financially and take the pressure off Nash.

I've realized a couple of things ... that I need to trust God more ... and that I need to be more open with my husband.  These may seem like obvious things, but sometimes when you get yourself into a certain mindset the obvious things aren't always so apparent.  I love my husband.  He's been by my side for all the highs and lows.  How he puts up with me I'll never know, but I'm ever so glad that he does.


Comments

  1. You are human and sometimes our feelings override our common sense. We all do it. But I am glad you decided on what was right for you. Our men love us no matter what.

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    1. So true SD, all of what you said. Thanks!

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  2. Hi Lilli, aww, all the stress you went through, I feel for you. I am just so glad you opened up and made the best decision for you.

    It's so easy sometimes to hear something different to what is actually said and to decide or think we know how our partner feels.

    ((hugs))
    Roz

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    1. Yes Roz, I was very stressed and it was my own doing. Blah. And I should know by now that just because I *think* he feels a certain way doesn't actually mean that he *does* feel that way. Stupid emotions anyway. (((hugs)))

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  3. I so get this. It all makes sense to me. I will tell you why ( at least the the 'glasses' of my experiences). When I am upset about something, emotionally it leaches into many aspects of my life and blurs the lines. Most of what you said- your concerns with about yourself and what you 'heard' Nash saying, could also be said about how you have thought about the past and raising your daughter recently. Those insecurities bled into and fed each other. Or would have for me,in hindsight only though. It isn't a case of which came first the chicken or the egg, but the fact that similar feelings in each situation fed off of themselves, perhaps giving you the inability to see each situation. The feeling becomes all encompassing, in every aspect of life.

    ORRRRRRRRRR at least it does often for me. I think it is due to the unguardedness ttwd can create. When I start feeling insecure, even if I can't put a voice to the feeling at the time, my natural instinct is bring it all inward. However as we know shutting out is shutting down. Not so great. Thankfully Nash pushed, and during the pushing no doubt even as you refused you were hoping he'd continue. I try to give myself 'pep talks' internally when this happens here. " You can do it" "Say it" " Just say something and it will get the ball rolling"

    Where you were isn't a pleasant place to be, and sadly may happen again, but I do believe we learn more about ourselves each time it happens. Happy you aren't there now.

    willie

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    1. Yes Willie, exactly, all of that, exactly. I'm not glad you understand, but I'm glad to be understood ... if that makes any sense. (((hugs)))

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