Not Feeling Well

I've been under the weather all day today.  I had a hard time getting up when my alarm went off this morning and then once I got going I didn't feel awful, but I didn't feel quite right either.  Then I had a phone conversation with Nash that went sideways.  I got off the phone and had a good cry.

Well, I don't know that it was a good cry ... but I cried.  What constitutes a good cry anyway?  Is that when you feel better afterward?  If that's the case, then I definitely didn't have a good cry.

As the day went on I felt like I had a dark cloud over me.  Nash called me back after a bit, but I didn't answer the phone.  I didn't want to talk to him.

Instead of feeling better as the day went on, I felt worse.  I've felt sick to my stomach, my head has felt icky and I've been chilled.  I've already thought about just going to bed and calling it a day. I'm not sure if I'm just sick or if I'm feeling badly because I'm upset.  I imagine it's probably a combination of both.

I don't think Nash understands why what he said upset me so much.  And I don't know how to explain to  him.  I tried, but ...

I love him more than anything.  He can make me feel like I'm on top of the world ... or ... he can make me feel like I'm drowning.

Oh, I know, he can't make me feel anything ... I'm in charge of my own emotions.  That said, he certainly can have a big impact on my emotional state.  I'm vulnerable with him and that opens me up to be hurt emotionally.  Other people don't have the same power to hurt me because my guard is up with them.  With him ...

I feel like I'm trying my best right now and yet I don't feel like that counts for anything.  Maybe it doesn't.  Maybe I'm not trying my best.  Maybe my best just isn't good enough.

I haven't had to juggle working and being a mom since our daughter was an infant.  And yes, the kids are older and more self sufficient now, but that doesn't mean that they don't need me at all anymore.

Last year was about survival for us.  So many things happened and those things changed almost everything.  We didn't see any of it coming either.  I'm not even sure with the advantage of hindsight we could've been prepared.  And during that time we drew together to get through it all.  The storms have passed now, at least dear God I hope so, but we're still in the process of sorting through the rubble and trying to piece our lives back together.  And unlike when we were weathering the storms, I feel like now we're pulling apart instead of coming together.

Honestly, I'm worried about Nash.  He's not happy.  He's not healthy.  He's miserable or at least that's what it often seems like.

Thing is ... this is where we're at now.  No, it's not where we want to be.  But, guess what?  It's a hell of a lot better place than we were at this time last year.

Things happen for a reason.  No, I don't always understand it either, but I can't change what has already happened and neither can he.

Circumstances may not be what we want them to be, but ...

It's not like the grass was all so much greener before everything happened.  Things were different, yes, but better?  Yes, in some ways.  But, not in other ways.

Finances are a huge area of stress right now, especially for him because he sees that as his responsibility.  I thought to myself today ... if we ever did get a divorce, I bet it would be due to finances.  How sad is that?  But, the reality is that's a big reason or contributor for many couples who split up.

I don't know how to ease his stress right now.  I feel like it wouldn't matter what I was doing, it wouldn't be enough anyway.  And the whole thing is making me feel like I'm not enough.  If you've read any of my recent posts it will come as no surprise to you that my self worth is at a low point currently.

I've gotten through my day today by leaning on my faith.  Sometimes when I'm feeling low reading a devotional or listening to or watching a message helps.

He won't be home tonight and I'm kind of glad.  How awful is that?  Yes, if he was coming home tonight I'd hope that we'd patch things up and manage to have a nice evening together, but I don't know that's how things would go and I don't have the emotional reserves at this point today to absorb any more negativity.

I know he's hurting, emotionally speaking, and I feel bad for him.  I wish I could make him feel better.  But, I can't help him to have faith and have joy regardless of our circumstances.  I can't help him to give his worries and fears over to God.  That stuff is up to him.  I can't do it for him.

Maybe I'm being unfair.  I do get caught up in worries sometimes too.  And I'm certainly not immune to stress.  I don't know.  I'm at a loss.  Yes, I wish God would change our circumstances, but I also know that sometimes God uses our circumstances to change us instead.


Comments

  1. I know this place. I really do. Even out of this place, the hurt from in it isn't a distant enough past to make me forget. You have my email, use it if you want to talk. Honestly, I so understand.

    As for 'I'm in charge of my own emotions' I beg to differ. That is what is so difficult about emotions, we can't control them. We can control our reactions to them, but the emotions themselves we can't.

    I am unsure if everything happens for a reason, BUT I will say something can be learned from every situation, making something positive even in the most negative situations.

    willie

    PS I also understand being happy he is not coming home. When you feel like you are drowning it doesn't matter sometimes what the other person does, they feel like a sinking weight. Some days breathing on our own is what we need. Not a nice thought but a truthful one.

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    Replies
    1. Willie, I'm sorry that you too know this place. Emotions ... blah. They are wonderful things and awful things, depending. Today is a new day and I'm trying to take things one day at a time. Thanks for reaching out. (((hugs)))

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  2. ((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))) I hope things get better.

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    1. Thanks SD, I'm sure they will. (((hugs)))

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  3. Oh Lilli, I'm so sorry you are both in this place. I don't know what to say, except that I know you will work through it together as you have before.

    (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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    1. Yes, you're right Roz, we will. I was so ready for this year to be so much better than last year. And, in many ways it has been, but that doesn't mean that we don't still have struggles. (((hugs)))

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  4. You know you can email me anytime and I will help you all I can or give you (hugs!!)
    I do hope you feel better soon Lilli and you patch things up with Nash. Just remember it's just a phase and you will be back to over his knee with a red bottom soon! 🙊I will pray for you that it will be soon
    😘😘😘

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    Replies
    1. Aaawww, thanks Daisy! All is well now. :)

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