Some Doms Need to Learn About Respect


That's a buzzword in this community, is it not?  And most of the time when I read about it in the 'land, it's about a Dom/HOH/Whatever capitalized word you want to use expecting respect from their submissive/tih/whatever lower case word you want to use.  Sometimes someone is writing about their rules or contract, other times someone is writing about being in trouble or about a punishment for lack of respect.  But, whenever respect is discussed it's almost always in regard to a sub needing to respect the Dom.  And really, that makes sense.

But, maybe this comes as news to some of you, respect is a two way street.

If you're not respectful to me, you shouldn't expect me to show you respect.  And that applies to anyone, D/s or otherwise.

Now, I should tell you that when I say that some Doms need to learn about respect I am not talking about Nash.  No.  He's one of the most respectful people I've ever known.  He respects me and he respects others.  He's actually a lot better about the whole respect thing than I am sometimes.  I'm not sure whether that's due to upbringing or personality or what, but I'm pretty sure upbringing is at least part of it.  In my household growing up there wasn't a lot of respect being modeled.  I remember early on in our marriage Nash said that he didn't feel like I respected him.  I literally had no idea what he meant.  That comment stopped me in my tracks and I had to ask him to explain.  Seriously.  I had no idea.  Looking back that's pretty sad really.  I did respect him, but I didn't always behave in a manner that reflected it.  And I was still coming to grips back then with feeling submissive and wondering if that was somehow wrong or weak or what.  Sometimes I do fall back into negative patterns of behavior, but Nash steps in when he feels the need or desire to do so and helps me get back on track.

So, if I'm not talking about Nash, then who am I talking about?  Well, twice now, I've had another man who either knew I'm submissive to Nash or suspected it disrespect that bond and in doing so, disrespect both Nash and I in the process.  Now, I don't know if that was their intent.  I'd like to think not.  Btw, I'm speaking of two different men who have done this ... different men, different times, different places, don't know each other, etc. ... just to be clear.  How did they disrespect us?  They seemed to think that just because I am submissive to my husband that meant that I'd be submissive to them as well.  In both cases I was shocked by such expectations.  Now, did they do anything to harm me or touch me inappropriately or anything like that?  No.  Absolutely not.  And I don't think these men are bad men.  But, I've lost respect for them because they didn't respect me and my boundaries (which showed a lack of respect for Nash as well).

Dominant men need to understand that not every woman who happens to be submissive is submissive to all dominant men.  In other words, just because she's submissive to him does not mean that she should be submissive to you.
Both of these guys should've known better.

I don't know.  It probably seems like I'm being harsh.  And maybe I am.  Yes, it could easily be said that maybe they were both just curious and playing around and pushing buttons a little to see how I'd react.  And in the moment, that's how I've treated it because it caught me off guard and I really didn't know how to react.  Only later when I've had a chance to process what happened does it upset me because I've realized that certain lines were crossed.

I am a submissive ... not to you, but to one man, my husband.

I am a submissive ... not a doormat, not a plaything (though Nash and I do have a lot of fun together) ... I am a person and therefore worthy of respect.

I am a submissive ... and have done nothing to you that you should disrespect me ... can you say the same?

I am a submissive ... and I am strong, not weak ... and you may be a Dom, but that does not entitle you to disrespect me or my boundaries and if you can't handle that, then you are the weak one.

These two men ... one I am not likely to see again, so it really doesn't matter at this point.  And honestly, I think he may generally be socially awkward, so I can certainly extend some grace his way if we do meet again.  I know I've needed grace extended to me by others many times.  The other man I doubt I'll see often, but I'm quite sure I will see him again.  I'm going to try to give him the benefit of doubt.  I don't know if he was just having an off day or what.  It's not as if we didn't know each other before this, but while he had seemed a little playful before, I never felt threatened before.  Wait, do I feel threatened?  I hadn't thought of it quite like that until I wrote it just now.  Hmmm, no, not exactly.  He doesn't scare me.  But, he did try to get in my head and I don't appreciate that.  I'll just have to be firm in my boundaries and make sure I'm not sending any mixed signals.  Mind you, some men seem to get mixed signals just by a woman being nice.  So, I guess I'll have to see whether I can still be pleasant or if I need to be a bitch.  I'm hoping for the former, but prepared for the latter.  I guess we'll see.

What about you?  If you fall into the sub/tih/etc. category, have you ever dealt with this issue?

And what about if you're a Dom/HOH/etc.?  Your perspective is appreciated as well.


  1. Considering I refuse to call other Dominants Sir because they aren't my Sir. I can imagine if this happened to me I would blow up!

    1. Don't even get me started Daisy! lol


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