D/s - Progression

In my last post I shared some things from my childhood and adolescence, foreshadowing perhaps.  In this post I'll share a little about the progression of dominance and submission in my marriage.

Nash and I met when we were quite young and we started dating while we were still in high school.  Yes, we were high school sweethearts.  Cue the "aaawww."  Needless to say, neither of us had a lot of dating experience prior to our relationship, which started out as a friendship and grew into more over time.  We did a lot of experimenting together, trying things out and seeing what felt good and what didn't, what we liked and what we didn't like, and discovering where each others boundaries were and testing them a bit.

For many years D/s was just a bedroom activity for us, foreplay basically.  It was a fun addition to our sex life.  It spiced things up nicely.  And while we both enjoyed it, I think Nash would've been fine without it.  In contrast, I'd get a little taste and that would leave me wanting more.  Finding a balance that made us both happy wasn't always easy.  But, as happens, after a few years life got busy, we had a child and D/s was relegated to the back burner.  It was still something we both enjoyed, but it was hit or miss for awhile.

And then came some struggles in our marriage.  D/s disappeared altogether and intimacy in general was scant.  We were both unhappy and needed to make a change.  We had sought out counseling, but it hadn't really helped.  And so, looking for guidance I turned to the internet and started searching for the secrets of a happy marriage.  As you can imagine I came across a slew of information, some good, some not so good, some horrible.  One day I came across an article from a Biblical perspective talking about submission.  That stopped me in my tracks.  I had prayed about our marriage, but I hadn't opened my Bible to see what God had to say on the subject.

There are different schools of thought on those verses in Ephesians, but I'll leave that debate to others.  For me, it comes down to how I feel that God is leading me.  And I felt that God wanted me to follow my husband's lead and help to ease his load rather than fighting him every step of the way and playing the part of the martyr when I did finally give in.  I started reading more about leadership and submission in marriage and the more I read, the more it just felt right to me.  And so, I brought it to Nash.  He had questions and concerns, but he was just as unhappy as I was and together we decided to give it a shot.

That was the beginning of our first experience with domestic discipline or DD.  It helped, it really did.  But, it was an experiment more than anything.  It was something we were just trying out, not a commitment.  And so, as things started to improve in our relationship bits and pieces of the DD structure began to fall away, until there wasn't much left.  Now, I don't view that as a bad thing really.  We were in a much better place in our marriage and D/s was back on the scene in the bedroom too.  Things were good.

As happens in life, we went through ups and downs after that.  We had some wonderful, amazing times.  Having another child falls into that category for instance.  But life got busier and more complicated and there were some hard times dealing with stuff like finances and health issues.  Eventually we were in a bad place again, only this was much worse than previously.  There were thoughts in my head about divorce and how inevitable it seemed.  I wondered if we could somehow hold it together at least until the kids were grown.  It was a dark time in our marriage.  And I felt like giving up.

Then one snowy day in January I wrote a poem.  I hadn't written much since I was a teen, but in my hurt, in my anger and frustration the words just flowed from me.  I started writing about the past and how much we had truly loved and cared for each other.  Then I moved on to the present and wrote about how far apart we'd grown.  And then I paused and something miraculous happened.  Hope crept in.  And I ended the poem with what our future could look like if we turned things around.  Later I showed the poem to Nash and that opened the door of communication between us.  We talked very openly, sharing our hurt and anger and fear.  And we resolved to give our marriage one last shot.

That's what brought us back to domestic discipline.  It was a desperate attempt to save our marriage.  It felt like it was all or nothing.  It had worked before when we'd really only stuck our toes in the water, but we knew that this time would have to be different.  We knew we needed to take it more seriously.  The stakes were too high to take it lightly  And so we devoted our time and energy to working on our relationship within the structure of DD.  It was a crazy rollercoaster ride full of highs and lows as we each tried to adjust to our new roles at breakneck speed.  But, things started to get better and we started making DD our own.  One of the best things about such lifestyle choices is customization.  Add a little of this, take away a little of that and pretty soon you have a dynamic unique to your relationship, one that hopefully suits you both.

Would I classify our dynamic as DD these days?  Um ... sort of.  I mean, there certainly are elements of DD.  But life has a way of changing us and so our dynamic changes as well.  Right now feels like a transitional time.  I think we're trying to figure out what we each want, what suits us where we are currently and which direction we want to head in the future.


  1. Every marriage is different and I wish you both the best Lilli.

    1. Absolutely, Angel Blue. And thank you! :)


Post a Comment

Popular Posts