Bad Habits: Disengaging


I hung up on him. 

He hates that.

He's calling back.

I can see it on my phone screen, but I turned my ringer off.

I know I should answer, but I'm not.

I should call him back or text him or something. 

I should apologize.

He left a voicemail.

He sounds sad and sweet and he's apologizing to me.

That only makes me feel worse.

If I call him, what do I say?

How about "Hi.  I'm sorry.  I love you.  Goodnight." and then I can hang up again, right?  I don't need to give him a chance to say anything or partake in a discussion, do I?

*sigh*

Okay, okay, okay.  I'll call him back.

*deep breath*

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I called.  He answered.  But he never heard me speak because the call failed.  Don't you love cellular technology?  I called back.  We talked...briefly.  I apologized and got off the phone as quickly as possible.  I just didn't feel like talking.

So what precipitated all of this?  He brought up a sore subject.  And I got upset.  And when I expressed to him how the subject makes me feel he made a joke.  He was hoping to lighten the mood and make me smile.  It didn't work out that way.  It made me feel like he was trying to invalidate my feelings.  And...I hung up on him.

Yeah, I know, that's really not cool.  It's definitely not respectful.  Would it help my case if I mention that I don't hang up on him nearly as often as I used to?  No?  I didn't think so.  It is pretty rare these days, but every so often I still do it.

Why?  Well, I didn't hang up on him just to piss him off.  Sometimes I used to do it for that reason.  I would be angry and I would decide to make him angry.  I know, I know, real mature.  That was when we were in a bad place in our relationship.  Neither of us were acting very kind toward one another.  But tonight I did it because I felt the need to disengage.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

We ended up having a text conversation a bit later.  I re-engaged.  It's often easier for me to share in writing than when we're speaking.  I don't know why that is, but it has always been that way.  Some hard words were shared.  More apologies from both of us.  I was feeling better by the time we said goodnight.  I hope he was too.  If all goes well, I'll see him this evening.  *fingers crossed*

Comments

  1. Oh Lilli...I do understand when their attempts to lighten the atmosphere fall flat but if I ever hung up on my ex or Matthew, I would not be sitting easily. Hope you two have worked things out.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    Replies
    1. Oh Cat, how well I understand that. Nash wasn't home the night I hung up on him, but he was home last night. And I am definitely not sitting comfortably today. All is good between us though. (((hugs)))

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  2. I'm sorry this happened Lilli, awful for both of you. I'm so glad you re - connected and that all is well between you.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Roz, but in the scheme of things this was just a little blip. Things like this happen less and less and we get over them and move on more quickly. (((hugs)))

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  3. I hung up on Master...once.....there were lots of good excuses for it...but i will probably not try it again......too ouchie...
    hugs abby

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    Replies
    1. I can imagine Abby! I'll not be hanging up on Nash again...at least if I can catch myself before actually doing it...definitely an ouchie outcome! :(

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