Stressed & Blessed

There's a saying...

Philippians 4:6-7 says: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (NIV)

Well, I'm part way there. I've been praying. But I haven't conquered anxiety and I certainly don't feel at peace yet. I'm feeling better than I was, so that's a start, right? Hopefully I'm headed in the right direction. And I do know that I'm extremely blessed, but at this point I'm feeling pretty stressed too.

You see, late last week something happened. I don't feel like I can go into what, so I apologize for being vague. But, what occurred was shocking and upsetting. It's a problem that has to be dealt with. And it's not something that can be solved overnight. It could mean some big changes in our lives. And I haven't thought about much else since. I've felt like I was in shock. I've felt hurt and angry and sad and afraid. And at times I've just felt devoid of feeling altogether, numb.

The thing that happened, well, it happened because Michael allowed it to happen. And that has been the hardest thing for me to grasp, much less get over. I know that this wasn't what he intended, and yet, he didn't take the steps necessary to prevent it either. This is an area he has struggled in before. We had some hard, but necessary conversations over the weekend. And I don't know how many times I said to him, "I just don't understand." And he has no explanation for me, not really. He's sorry, very sorry, and I know that, and that's a good thing. But, if he can't explain, if he doesn't understand how he let this happen, then how do we, how does he prevent it from happening again?

And that brings up the issue of trust. And that's something I've been struggling with.

Ultimately though, that led me to the concepts of grace...

...and forgiveness.

At this point, this issue, this problem, this thing that has happened is something that we're tackling step by step. I can't say that I no longer feel hurt or confused or even scared, because I do. But, I am committed to working through this with my husband. There are changes he needs to make, in himself and the way he handles things. And there are some changes I will need to make as well. I also can't pretend that this hasn't affected our dynamic, because it has. And that's something we're working through also. I don't trust my husband, not in this area. I love him and I've forgiven him and I'm trying to offer is something that will take some time and it's something that is based on his actions now and in the future.

Thankfully, I have my faith to cling to. There is someone I can always trust. God. And there's something that God said to me a long time ago and that was that everything was going to be okay. I was going through a really rough time then, a very scary time and I cried out to him and I felt him tell me that it was going to be okay and this wave of peace came over me. That's something I'll never forget. And that's a promise that I cling to. Unfortunately it doesn't mean that I don't still feel scared. I am only human after all. And God's definition of okay and mine certainly aren't always the same. But, I know he has a plan for my life and I know that he uses these hard times, he uses the difficulties to shape me, to mold me, to prepare me. God doesn't waste a hurt. I don't believe he likes to see us hurting. But, he uses those hurts in ways we can't even imagine while we're going through the storm.

And so, I'm sorry that this hasn't been a very uplifting or positive post. I'd much rather be writing about something fun or exciting. But, writing helps me sort things out and so, I decided to write. It's funny, often I don't end up where I thought I would when I started. Anyway, I would appreciate prayers, for Michael and I and also the situation we find ourselves dealing with now. I don't really know what lies ahead at this point, but God does, and there's comfort in that.


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