Stop the Ride! I Want to Get Off!

I usually like roller coasters. But, I've been on this emotional roller coaster for just over two weeks. (see Stressed & Blessed) And I'd really like someone to stop the ride so I can get off.

I never know how I'm going to feel. I've had bad dreams. I've had at least one day where I would really have liked nothing more than to have just stayed in bed all day and not dealt with anyone or anything. I've also had some really good days, some laughter amidst the tears. And some days have been a mixture of both.

I have mixed feelings about my husband. I love him so very much. And yet, I feel so very hurt. That trust thing is vexing at this point.

I have mixed feelings about God too. I've yelled at him and told him that he doesn't love me and yet I've also cried out to him for help and healing.

In short, I'm a mess. I've been upset enough at times, in public, that people have noticed and were concerned. That's not something that happens very often, regardless of the circumstances. Last Sunday in church the sermon hit me right where I was and by the end I was in tears, sobbing and praying and sobbing some more. I tried to keep it in, but I was giving myself a tension headache and finally it was all just too much and I had to let it out. It was good. Hard. But, good. Michael held me and friends prayed for me. It was good. And I ended up feeling a whole lot better afterward. Actually, generally speaking I've felt much better since then.

Though I've been feeling better in general this week, when Michael comes home I seem to come apart at the seams. I don't know how to react to him, I don't know how to be, I don't know what to do when he's around, when I'm around him. I'm usually so excited, so happy to see him. But for the past couple of weeks I haven't really looked forward to him coming home.

Wednesday night he was home waiting for the kids and I when we got back from church. Normally I would have been ecstatic to see him, to spend some time with him during the week...a mid-week treat. But Wednesday night ended up being very difficult. I didn't have those warm fuzzies as soon as I saw him. I felt...very detached. Things went alright I suppose until the kids were in bed. And then we started talking and once I tapped into those emotions that never seem to be too far out of reach lately, well, it just went from bad to worse. I had a huge meltdown and I wouldn't even let him touch me for awhile. We ended up being up very late and finally, once I was emotionally exhausted (and that seems like an understatement) we both fell asleep. It wasn't how I had wanted the night to go, but that's how things have been lately. I just don't know how I'm going to feel. I just don't know how I'm going to react to him. I still love him, but that's not the emotion I tap into when I see him. Hopefully things go better this weekend.

There have been many hard conversations over the past two weeks. I've cried a lot. And I've been pretty scared sometimes, scared of what the future will bring. Yet there have also been times when I've felt calm and secure in the knowledge that this is in God's hands no matter what happens. I wish I could say that I feel like that all the time.

I know that many of my friends, online and offline, have been praying for me, for us. And I want to let you know that I, we, really appreciate that.

In conclusion: GO BRONCOS!!! :) (sorry, had to get that in somewhere, lol)


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