How DD Changed Our Marriage


In my last post I shared how thankful I am for this supportive community, for this thing we do, for DD. I said that the difference it has made in our marriage has been amazing. If you’ve been in a DD relationship for any length of time I imagine you have some understanding of what I mean by that. But, if you’re new to DD or you’re just exploring it or even just stumbled upon it you may wonder how that’s possible. I mean, some spanking can’t make that much of a difference, right? Well, no, probably not, but DD is about a lot more than just spanking.

It forced us to look at the changes we wanted to make in ourselves. Honestly, before we were more focused on the changes we wanted to see in one another. But if Michael was going to become a good leader/HOH that was something he was going to have to work on himself. And if I was going to become a good follower/submissive wife/TiH that was something I needed to work on. Of course we could help one another, but we couldn't change each other, we could only change ourselves.

It helped us work together. Before we may have wanted the same thing in the end, but too often we each wanted to get there in our own way. That tended to be divisive and unproductive. If we did get something accomplished it took longer and feelings were likely hurt in the process. But with DD we needed to work together toward a common goal. We needed to be a team, not in competition with each another. I had to take his wants/needs/desires into consideration and he had to take mine into consideration as well.


It has made us more aware of the positive aspects of our relationship, the things we’re doing right, as well as the things that we obviously need to work on. We’re more likely to give compliments, show our appreciation and offer understanding, love and respect to one another. And we’re quicker to take responsibility and apologize rather than passing blame too.

It forced us to work on our communication skills. And honestly this is still an area we struggle with. Over the years we had both developed bad habits and fell into wrong thought patterns. I would sometimes expect him to read my mind and just know what I was thinking or how I was feeling. And sometimes I would jump to conclusions about things. Now I try to remember that he doesn’t just know how I feel or what I think. I have to tell him. I will say that sometimes I think he knows me better than I know myself, but other times, yeah, not so much. I also try not to get upset (or, um, too upset) by something without talking with him about it first. He really hates it when I decide or assume to know what he thinks or how he feels without even asking him.  A lot of miscommunication can be avoided by not assuming...not assuming that they know what you think or how you feel...and not assuming that you know how they feel or what they think.

It gave us a tool, a formula or structure if you will, for conflict resolution. Yes, now I’m talking about spanking. Well, it’s not just spanking, but that is certainly a part of it. You see, he has the majority vote. Oh yes, I get a vote. He wants to hear what I think, how I feel and he’ll take that into consideration, but the final decision is his. And yes, sometimes that means he leaves the decision up to me. He also has veto power, you know, just in case I try to forge ahead without consulting him (yes, it does happen, though far less often these days…that used to be a way of life). He has expectations of me and I have boundaries. And when I go outside of those boundaries then there is a conflict that needs to be resolved. And that’s where the spanking comes in. We'll talk and then, if the situation merits it, he’ll spank me. And then the slate is clean and we move forward. It’s really quite freeing, for both of us. Before, any hurt or anger or disappointment would linger. Things didn’t really get resolved and it would end up being a cycle we’d repeat. Now we have a way to deal with it (communication), clean the slate (spanking) and move on (lovemaking? lol sometimes, yes!).

It gave us a way to connect or reconnect. Yes, I’m talking about spanking again, but not just that. We do use spanking as a tool in many ways…for discipline, to reconnect, for stress relief, for enjoyment, etc. But we also snuggle more, hold hands more, talk more, listen more, text more, email more, laugh more and yes, cry more (at least me). Really it has just brought us so much closer. We share so much more with one another. I honestly can’t imagine going back to the way things were. I know it could happen, if we let it. But, I hope we won’t let it.

Growing and maintaining a good marriage takes hard work. You can’t take a flower bulb and set it on the kitchen counter and expect it to survive, much less thrive. It needs to be planted in good soil, it needs sunshine, it needs water, any weeds that sprout up in the soil need to be removed, etc. Anyone can buy a flower bulb, but it takes care and work to ensure it lives and blossoms. Our society seems to think that marriages should flourish on their own…that all the work is over once the marriage certificate is signed. The problem with that way of thinking is that’s when the work really begins. Some may bristle at that, but I don’t mean it in a negative way. It’s hard work tending a garden, but most gardeners love it (otherwise they likely wouldn't do it). The work is worth the rewards to them. And it’s the same with marriage.

I’m not saying that DD is for everyone.  And I’m not trying to convince anyone to give it a shot.  I just wanted to share what it has done for us...what it is doing for us really, because we're very much a work in progress. 


Results may vary.  ;)

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