Pain, Pain Go Away

For several weeks, about 6 actually, I’ve been dealing with pain. Some days have been better than others, with it being manageable and mild. But other days have been really hard to get through. There hasn’t been one day since it started that I’ve had no pain at all. I’m not going to go into the cause, but suffice it to say that it’s something that can’t be remedied at this point in time, or so it seems.

I really don’t know how people deal with chronic pain for long periods of time. I mean, to me the last 6 weeks has seemed like forever. But many people live with pain for years. I’m trying to strike a balance between relieving my pain and not consuming too many pills. I’d prefer not to take any, and I do employ other techniques to help alleviate the pain, but the reality is that sometimes I just need to take meds.

 If it’s been a bad pain day, if I’ve tried to just deal with the pain or mask it, then by the time evening rolls around I’m exhausted. Now if only that exhaustion correlated with getting a good nights sleep, but sadly too often that hasn't been the case.  I know the pain has affected my moods, my reactions, my energy level, everything really.  And I’d love nothing more at this point then for it to just go away and not come back. Unfortunately, that hasn’t happened yet. Sometimes I feel angry and I may end up being rather feisty.  Other times I feel pretty down and I may withdraw.  I'm quite sure it has made things challenging for Michael as well. I mean, he's got to figure out how to deal with me.  On the one hand, he is concerned and is tempted to treat me with kid gloves.  He's been very nurturing and has taken good care of me.  On the other hand, it's not good for either of us or our relationship if he allows me to be disrespectful to him or withdraw into myself.

I know this probably seems like an odd thing for me to post about here, but really the only people who know that I’ve been in pain are my husband and my kids…and now you. I don’t really feel like answering questions (what’s going on, why are you in pain, how are you feeling, etc.). And I don’t want anyone to worry about me (Michael’s got that covered). But, I do need to vent. I’m frustrated and I’m tired of hurting. I’ll have a good day and the pain won’t be so bad and I’ll get my hopes up, but then the pain intensifies again and my hopes are dashed.

I keep reminding myself that God has a plan for me and this is just a part of that plan. I keep asking him to take the pain from me, but the answer seems to be no or at least not yet. I know that he uses everything for good, so there is good that will come of this. He’s not leaving me in pain just to be cruel. Of course I want things in my timing, but I do know that doesn’t always match up with God’s timing. I can’t see the big picture, he can.  So, I’m in pain and I’m frustrated, but I’m trying to hang in there and trust God.  And I'm thankful that there are good days mixed in with the not so good ones.

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