Motives

Guess what? This is my 400th blog post!  


After I posted yesterday I thought that was my 400th, but it was actually #399. The blogger count that I had noticed included a post that was actually still a draft. Ooops! Don't count your blog posts before they're published! lol

Anyway, on to the subject at hand...


This is something that has been on my mind lately. I've been feeling a bit introspective and I've also read a few things recently (an article and a couple of blog posts) that struck a chord with me. 

Why did I bring DD to my husband? Why is it that we do ttwd? What are our motives?

Well, first of all, I can only speak for myself and my marriage. We use ttwd as a tool to improve ourselves and our relationship. I don’t submit to Michael because he requires it. Oh, yes, I may in the moment, but even then, there is a deeper reason beneath my submission. Michael doesn’t discipline me because he feels he has to or else I won’t obey him. Oh, he may discipline me for disobedience, but there is a deeper reason behind his leadership.

We decided to incorporate DD into our relationship dynamic because we hoped it would help set us on a better course…not just me…Michael too. Our marriage really was in a sad state. It wasn't something that had occurred overnight, but our relationship had deteriorated over a long period of time. There came a point when we realized we needed to make some changes and DD was a big part of that. I offered my submission to Michael and he offered his leadership to me.

I didn't agree to only submit to him when I agreed with his leadership. I also didn't agree to only submit to him if he forced me to do so. In fact, the agreement is that he won't ever force me to do anything. He may ask something of me, tell me to do something, and I may face consequences if I don't follow through, but that's my choice. It's up to me to submit to him or not, just as it's up to him to lead me or not.

Michael does discipline me sometimes. Why? Because it helps me. It redirects my path. It helps me to forgive myself and move forward. And I think it helps him to move past it as well. It is a form of resolution for us. In the past, I had a lot of trouble forgiving myself and I’d dwell on what I’d done or said and I would end up making both myself and Michael miserable.

Yes, punishment spankings are generally few and far between, but he spanks for other reasons too. Spankings can help me with stress relief or we may use them to reconnect or reinforce our roles, etc. We even use them just for our personal enjoyment. Spanking is something we both benefit from, regardless of the reason for the spanking. I would venture to guess that if you’re not a spanko then that may not be the case, but I wouldn’t really know.

We all integrate ttwd into our relationships differently. Oh, there are likely some common threads that we share, but even our own dynamic changes over time. DD is not a one-size-fits-all kind of venture. It's okay if someone feels differently about ttwd, if they approach it differently, if it looks different in their relationship. And I try to remember when someone assumes that our motives are different than what they actually are that they’re looking at us through the lenses of their own attitudes and experiences, not ours. As such, what they assume often says more about them than us.

Do I need to be spanked by Michael to submit to him? No. The desire to submit to him is there whether he spanks or not. But, discipline does help. Why? I don’t know. Honestly, I think it has to do with the way I’m wired. There was a time when I questioned whether that should be true. Why would Michael spanking me help me? Why would I need that sometimes? It seemed wrong to me, even though I knew it worked, even though I could see that it was having a positive impact on our relationship. But, I just didn’t think it should be that way. You know what I’ve learned? It’s okay not to understand it. It’s enough to know that it works, for both of us. It’s something that helps us to both step up to the plate, it helps both of us fulfill our roles…me in my submission and him with leadership. It has helped us to be a happier and emotionally healthier couple.

I imagine that most DD couples are using ttwd as a tool to improve their relationship. They may go about things a bit differently than we do, but if it works for them and isn’t harming anyone (well, other than perhaps a short term sore bottom, lol), that's great! When I don’t understand
someone else's choices I try not to assume what their motives may be. Oh, I may wonder sometimes, particularly when I read something that leaves me scratching my head (which I'm sure people have done when reading here too, lol). But, while there are a few people here in blogland that I know well, most I only know through what they choose to share on their blogs. And I presume that's but a small part of their lives and the person they are as whole.

What was the motivation behind deciding to incorporate DD into your relationship? Have your motives changed over time?  Do you find yourself questioning others motives at times?  Do you ever question your own motivations?

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