Dabbling in Deliberate Disobedience

It was Friday evening. Michael wasn’t home. He and I were texting.

I was feeling defiant.

M: Are you in pjs yet?

G: No

M: When you change I want you to send me a picture of your _____ (insert body part).

G: No. You already have a pic of my _____ (insert body part).

M: No?! That’s not the correct response, young lady.

G: *shrug*

M: When I ask you to do something, I expect you to do it.

G: Well, then I’m challenging your expectations.

M: Think about it. Actions have consequences.

G: Do they?

M: Yes, they do.

G: If you say so.

M: I guess you need to be reminded of that.

G: *shrug*

M: No, not *shrug*

G: Maybe I’m not just challenging your expectations. Maybe I’m actually challenging your authority.

M: I can see that. I understand you need to test my resolve. Just don’t say that I didn’t warn you.

G: Consider me warned…and not particularly worried about said warning.

M: We’ll see if you’re singing a different tune this weekend.

G: I do love you though.

M: I know, and I love you too.

You see, I was feeling like if I started to back off from ttwd, that it might just disappear. And so, I decided to see what would happen if I didn’t play by the rules, if I deliberately disobeyed Michael. I wasn’t angry, just kind of fed up and determined to find out if he really was committed. You see, at heart my husband is a pretty easy going guy. And over time some things have gone by the wayside. Punishment was one of those things. Now, you’d think that I’d be happy about that. But, the lack of punishment, the lack of consequences, actually felt like it was undermining our dynamic. While in many ways things went on as usual, I just didn’t feel as safe and secure. It felt like something was missing. I don’t enjoy being punished. And if I have a punishment coming up I will try to get out of it. I think that’s normal. And since Michael doesn’t like to punish me he’s susceptible to my attempts. And though there had been spankings, they weren't punishment spankings and most were either because I’d asked for them or they felt like an afterthought. I was feeling like Michael was kind of checked out rather than plugged in. And I didn’t like that feeling at all. So, I was basically giving him an ultimatum to either step up or all bets were off.

Saturday came and I hadn’t taken and sent Michael the picture he’d requested. The day was busy. Michael worked part of it, we had kid’s sports games to attend, a craft fair to take in and stuff to get done at home. Perhaps you’d think that I would’ve been on my best behavior, but you’d be wrong about that. I wasn’t feeling particularly worried about any consequences. I was feeling rather free spirited actually. I behaved however I felt like behaving at the time. Sometimes Michael was pleased with my behavior, other times, not so much. That was okay with me. I figured it was his problem and he could either choose to deal with it or not. The ball was in his court.

It was Saturday night. The kids were in bed and Michael was falling asleep on the couch. I was pretty tired myself. We got ready for bed and Michael explained that he was going to spank me, but that it wasn’t the punishment for my disobedience Friday night. He had gotten up quite early that morning and just wasn’t feeling up to it. This spanking was to address the sometimes disrespectful attitude that I’d had on Saturday. He pulled my pajama bottoms down, propped my bottom up and started to spank with his hand. The spanking wasn’t too hard and didn’t last that long, but he did make his point. I cuddled up next to him afterward and we were both soon asleep.

Sunday we went to church and then out to lunch with some friends. After that we had a couple of errands to run and then we came home. Michael had some things he wanted to do and I wasn’t feeling well. He sent me off to bed to lie down. Unfortunately I didn’t fall asleep, but I rested and I did feel a little better when I got up. It turns out that I had a low grade fever and after taking some medicine and having some dinner I was feeling quite a bit better. As it got later I wondered if Michael would punish me. After all, he’d had another busy day and I hadn’t been feeling well. When we were getting ready for bed I decided to ask him. He stopped what he was doing and just looked at me for a moment and then replied, “You seem to be feeling better, so yes.” It wasn’t until then that I started to panic.

Michael closed the bedroom door, turned up the television and turned on the fan…background noise is essential with two kids in the house whose bedrooms aren’t far from ours. I was floundering, trying to figure out what to say or do that might convince him not to punish me, but I knew in my heart it was what I needed even if I didn’t want it. He came over and pulled me close, wrapping his arms around me in a warm embrace and kissing my forehead. Then he sat on the bed and had me kneel before him. It was time for the lecture. He was firm, but not overbearing. He told me exactly how he felt about my behavior and attitude and explained that he wasn’t going to tolerate it. I just listened and tried to steel myself for what I knew was coming next.  He helped me up and took my pajamas off.  Then over the corner of the bed I went, my face buried in my pillow, his hand on my back, and the wooden hair brush in his other hand. There are no warm-ups for punishments and let me tell you, that hair brush just plain hurts. I had a really hard time staying in position. You know that fight or flight impulse, well, I wasn’t interested in fighting, but I sure was ready to fly. I tried to get up, but Michael kept me in position. I told him that I didn't know if I could take it and he told me that I could and would. It had been a long time since I had been punished in such a manner and I definitely struggled to get through it.

When Michael was done spanking he placed me in corner time for a few minutes. This gives me a chance to catch my breath, calm down and process. I think it benefits Michael in a similar manner, though from a different perspective of course. Then he came up behind me, placed his hands around me and pulled me into him. He held me and rubbed me and kissed me and talked to me and somehow we transitioned from standing to lying on the bed. He told me how much he loves me, that he doesn’t like having to punish me, and that the slate had been wiped clean. I just soaked up his love, his scent, his everything and basically tried to completely dissolve into him.

Michael has affirmed that he is committed to ttwd. I had been wondering if it was something that he wanted to take a step back from…or actually, it sometimes felt like he already had taken a step back from it. I’d wondered if it was feeling like a burden to him. It does require time and effort on his part, both an emotional and physical commitment. Of course it requires all of that from me as well. While neither of us enjoys the punishment aspect, I think we both are now reminded that it is an important part of the dynamic, at least for us. I don’t imagine that I’ll decide to dabble in deliberate disobedience again anytime soon. At least I hope not.  If I do, I guess I know how it and I’ll be dealt with!


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