What a Weekend

***Note: I actually wrote this about a month ago, but never did post it.  So, I hope you don't mind, but I thought I'd share it now.***

If you read the previous post then you know that Michael and I had some time to ourselves this past weekend. And you know that Michael had been thinking about what he wanted to do during our time together. Well, things panned out exactly as planned and completely differently than planned. Confused? I guess I should explain.

You see, though our anniversary was last month, we really hadn’t had a chance to celebrate. So, this past weekend was our chance. We went out to dinner and saw a movie and the rest of the time we spent at home, reconnecting in some lovely ways. That’s the part of the weekend that went as planned. And it was wonderful.

What wasn’t planned was the flood of emotions that came out of me over the course of the weekend. At one point I was inconsolable. The stresses of life had built up over time, one thing piling on top of another thing and another thing piling up on top of those things and so on. And the truth is, I’d been holding it all in for way too long. And this weekend it all came out in a flood or an explosion or maybe an eruption or something rather intense anyway. Why? I’ll explain that too.

As you probably already know Michael is gone a lot of the time. And though I can talk to him while he’s gone, a phone call, email, text or even a facetime/skype conversation just isn’t the same as being face to face. And I try to make the best of the time he is home. Also, earlier this year he was quite upset, frustrated and feeling rather depressed about things and so I’ve been trying to be strong for him. But, this weekend, well, we had time, the house to ourselves and it felt safe, emotionally speaking, and though I tried to let it out in a trickle the pressure was too great and the dam broke and it all just came flooding out.

It wasn’t just life’s circumstances, I was holding onto a lot of hurt over some things that Michael had done, the way he’d gone about some things, choices he’s made and how that has affected our whole family, but especially our relationship. At the core of it I questioned whether I could trust him. No, actually, the truth is, I felt like I couldn’t trust him, not in certain areas. And if I couldn’t trust him in certain areas, I wondered how I could trust him at all. I’ve always trusted my husband. Oh, yes, I’m human and sometimes doubt or jealousy or whatever would creep in, but in my heart, I always trusted him. And I felt that trust had been broken. Now, don’t go jumping to conclusions, because whatever you’re thinking I’m talking about probably isn’t what I’m talking about at all. Trust can be broken in many different ways in a marriage relationship, not just one.

That aspect of our weekend was really tough on both of us. It was extremely emotional, not just for me, but for my husband as well. But, in the end, it was all out in the open and I think it was quite cathartic. I wish I’d been able to let all of that out a little at a time, here and there, instead of dumping it all on him at once, but that really isn’t a strength of mine. I’m glad that I finally let it all out though because it’s been there, been building up for awhile now and it has affected, well, everything really. Hopefully now we can both move on, together, making needed repairs to our relationship now that the elephant is no longer in the room.

As for the rest of our weekend, well, as I said, it was wonderful. In my last post I shared some words with you, words that Michael had whispered in my ear in anticipation of this past weekend. And all of those words turned out to be quite an apt description, oh yes, they most certainly did. One word he hadn’t whispered to me that also most certainly applied was SPANKED. I’m still sore, but only have one little bruise and no lasting marks. He hadn’t spanked me like that in quite awhile, not for that long, not with that many implements, and not in all those positions. I must say that though it was hard to take at times, it was also just what I needed. I wish I could explain that because I imagine that some people don’t understand it at all. But, I’ve learned that in life sometimes things just are, and they defy explanation.

Today I feel lighter and more hopeful than I have in a long time. Overall, our weekend didn’t really go exactly as planned, but I think we got out of it exactly what we both needed.

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