Breaking Point

I feel like I’m reaching a breaking point in regard to Michael’s schedule. He’s been working Monday through Saturday all summer. He has Saturday evening and Sunday to fit in whatever he wants or needs to do or get done and to fit in family time and us time. And because it’s summer, there are also things going on with friends and family that sometimes fall on a Sunday too. Oh, and don’t forget church on Sunday morning. By the time we get out of church it’s time for lunch and so then we just have the afternoon and evening. Often by the time the kids are in bed Sunday night, both Michael and I are exhausted.

It’s been hard for me to not put walls up. I’m kind of feeling like a single mom. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m well aware that actual single moms have it way harder than I do. But, I’m certainly feeling on my own lately. I’m feeling angry and hurt and to be honest, somewhat hopeless about the whole situation. And at the same time I’m trying to make the best of it and look on the bright side. So, in other words, I’m a whole jumble of emotions and you just never know what’s going to come out at any given time.

There’s so much I could say, my emotions are so close to the surface right now.  I worry that allowing myself to truly tap into them will mean that I’m going to fall apart. And honestly, I can’t afford to fall apart. Some have judged me for bottling things up, but sometimes that’s what I have to do to get through day to day. I have children to care for and other obligations and I can’t afford to fall apart without Michael here to help pick up the pieces. And so, when he does come home I’ll probably fall apart again…just like last weekend. And then I’ll feel guilty for not making the best of the time we do have together, for not being strong enough, for not holding it together. But if the wall that I end up building during the week is to come down at all when he’s home, then those emotions have to come out.

I hate it. I hate him being gone all the time. I hate that sometimes I can’t even get in touch with him because of the locations he’s sometimes in. I hate that our kids aren’t getting time with their dad. I hate that our family time is so limited. I hate that we don’t have time to connect with one another as a couple. I hate all of it.

And yet, I’m thankful. I’m thankful that I have a loving husband. I’m thankful that he works hard to support our family. I’m thankful to be able to stay home and homeschool our kids. I’m thankful that he has a job, when so many people don’t. I’m thankful that at least we can count on him having Sundays off, even if he does work the rest of the week. I’m thankful for so very much.

But, I really do feel like I’m reaching a breaking point. I’ve been praying about it. Michael has been praying about it. And we’ve prayed about it together. But at this point I’m not really hearing or feeling anything from God and so I feel like he’s probably telling me “suck it up buttercup.” Well, if that’s the case, he’s going to have to help me out because I’ve been sucking it up for a LONG time now and I’m so close to just feeling DONE.

And so what if I am feeling done? Well, it doesn’t really matter, does it? Nope. Because I will not fall apart…not really fall apart, like white room with padded walls fall apart…as long as my kids are still young and living at home. At any point after that, who knows, but I will not fall apart up to that point. And I’m not going to leave my husband. That wouldn’t accomplish anything. I love him.

I just feel so hurt inside. Sometimes I feel angry. Sometimes I feel lonely. Sometimes I just feel sad.

Michael’s work schedule has been horrible for years. And over time we grew apart. Almost two years ago we decided to incorporate DD/ttwd into our relationship dynamic to help us get back on track. And I can’t tell you how much it has helped. But, it also makes the amount of time we’re apart more difficult. We feel the distance, the disconnect, so much more. And I’ve reached a point where I just want to scream “ENOUGH!!!”

Where do we go from here? What’s to be done? I don’t really know. I’m just trying to get through it right now. I’m usually pretty good Monday through Thursday. But then Friday comes and I get the text from my husband that says that he’s working Saturday and…

Anyway, I know that this post got a bit raw in places and I’m sorry about that. I just needed to write it out. Tomorrow the kids and I will go to a birthday party and a graduation party without Michael. Everyone will ask me where he is, how he’s doing, when he’ll be home, etc. Someone will probably comment on how much he’s gone and how they don’t know how we do it. And hopefully I’ll handle those conversations gracefully…but I don’t always.

I wish I could say that I’m looking forward to the weekend, but at the moment, I’m not. Today I will have to work on getting myself into a better frame of mind, so that I can enjoy myself without my husband by my side when I so wish he was going to be with me.

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