What do you do when...

…your HOH lets you down? When he leaves you out? When trust is broken or at least being chipped away? I don’t know, but that’s what I find myself thinking about today.

Michael let the ball drop on something important. Then, instead of turning to me for help or even clueing me in, he turned to someone else for help. I only found out about it when he absolutely had to tell me because he wasn’t able to salvage the situation. I’m upset. I’m upset that he let the ball drop to begin with. But more so I’m upset that I had no idea anything was even wrong until the last minute, that others knew, but I was in the dark. Oh, I know why he didn’t tell me sooner. He knew I’d be upset and he was hoping to have it all taken care of before telling me, if he intended to tell me at all.

This really isn’t just about this incident. This is about a pattern of behavior. And this is about whether I can trust my husband or not. I don’t have all the answers and I’m not even sure I know all the questions to ask, but I do know that things need to change. If there isn’t a foundation of trust at the base of a relationship, what do you have really? Rebuilding trust is something we’ve been working at since we incorporated ttwd into our relationship over one and half years ago. But, I feel like we build it up only to have it chipped away again. It’s frustrating and it’s hurtful.

Oh, I’ve communicated my feelings about this to my husband already. And I used some colorful words too…because when I said that I was upset, that was a bit of an understatement. We’ll get through the circumstances we find ourselves in because of him dropping the ball. However, the underlying issue really needs to be addressed and that’s what I stressed to him. I hope that he heard what I was saying because otherwise we’re going to be at an impasse. I need a commitment from him that things are going to change and I need to hear from him his plan on just how he’s going to do that and then I need to see the follow through. Without that..well, I don’t know and I hope not to have to cross that bridge.

He’ll be home tonight. I honestly don’t know how that’s going to go. I hate it when we’re together and yet there’s distance between us. And yet, under the circumstances, it will be hard for me not to have a wall up. If he comes home and is in pity party mode then I may have to leave for a bit because I’m not attending that party. I’m not going to feel bad about being upset because if it was the other way around he’d be livid. I hope he’ll come home apologetic, but determined to make things right. I guess we’ll see.

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