So, it's Friday

I’ve been in a good mood all day. Well, I was in a good mood, until around 5pm when I sent a text to Michael asking if he was working tomorrow and he responded yes. *sigh* I’ve been missing him all week. Some weeks are just harder than others to be apart and this week I was longing to see him on Tuesday. Maybe that explains me thinking it was Thursday all day Tuesday…wishful thinking.

A little while after the texts Michael called, but I didn’t answer. I was making dinner and knew I could use that as an excuse for not answering later on if he asked. But the truth was that I didn’t want to talk to him. I was upset. I had been near tears when I found out that he was working tomorrow and I didn’t want to get on the phone with him and end up being over emotional Grace or snippy Grace and so I let him go to voicemail. I thought about calling him back, knowing that I should have answered the phone to begin with, but he didn’t leave a message and so I told myself that whatever the reason for his call it must not have been important.

Over an hour later I decided that I should at least send him a text and did so, telling him that I hadn’t picked up when he called because I’d been busy…a truth, but not the full truth. I had been busy making dinner, but I still could have answered the phone. He sent me a text back saying that it wasn’t a problem and that he’d call back in about an hour.

Now here I sit, less than an hour after that last text, still feeling like I don’t want to talk to him, but knowing that’s not really an option. Right now I’d rather put some distance between us emotionally. I’d rather build a nice wall and hide behind it for awhile. It’s crazy, isn’t it? But that’s where I’m at.

I know why he’s working tomorrow, we need the money. Financially things are still tight and we’ve recently added some more medical expenses to the list of bills, so that makes things even tighter. He’s not working because he’d rather work than be home. He’s working to support his family, our family. And so, I don’t want to be upset and make him feel bad about not being home. And I don’t want to be snippy and short with him because I’m trying to distance myself. And so I don’t really know what to do when he calls. Right now handing the phone off to the kids and letting them talk and then just saying a quick “I love you” myself and getting off the phone sounds appealing. But that won’t work either. He’ll know that something is wrong, that something is bothering me and want me to let him in…which is exactly where I don’t want him right now.

I’m already missing him. I don’t want to feel that anymore than I already do. It’s not only him I want to distance from right now, but my own emotions. I don’t want to be open and vulnerable when he’s not here to hold me and put back the pieces. And yet, I know it’s not good to keep him out either.

I don’t know. I guess we’ll see how this conversation goes. Maybe he’ll be tired and won’t notice if I don’t say much. I can hope. And then when I get off the phone I can cry in my pillow and miss him all the more, not only because of the physical distance, but the emotional distance as well. *sigh* Women really are complicated creatures, aren’t we?

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