Felix vs. Ralph

As you may or may not know, I’m quite a proficient wall builder. Oh yes, I can put one up in the blink of an eye. It’s more of a reflex, a defense mechanism, than a conscious decision, at least most of the time. The thing is, my husband is also becoming a master of tearing those walls down. Sometimes it may not take him long at all, other times it takes a bit more time and effort.

Have you seen the movie Wreck it Ralph?  Well, there are similarities, but in the movie Fix it Felix goes around rebuilding the walls that Wreck it Ralph, well, wrecks.  In this case, wrecking the walls is the negative behavior and building them back up again is the positive behavior.  In our case, it's quite the opposite. The wall building is the negative behavior and tearing them down is the positive behavior.

Well, this weekend I had built quite a wall. You see, it had been a stressful week. I was recuperating from a procedure I’d had done and was in full on “I’ve got this. I’m strong and can handle this on my own.”, etc. mode. The thing is, I’d only prepared myself to be strong through Friday. I wasn’t prepared emotionally to have to hold out until Saturday evening, when Michael would finally arrive home.

I tried to convince myself that it was okay, that I was okay, that I could hold out a little bit longer. So, I decided to try to keep myself busy in hopes that the time would pass more quickly. There were things I needed to get done around the house anyway. But everything I tried to do seemed to go wrong. And then it happened; the vacuum stopped working. I turned it off so that I could plug it in another outlet and it wouldn’t turn back on. No, I hadn’t blown a breaker and the outlet wasn’t bad, the vacuum simply wouldn’t start up again. This has happened a few times now. It seems to get overheated or something, we haven’t figured it out yet. And I know that if I just leave it be for a little while it will probably start back up again just fine later on. But, at that moment, it was that last straw that broke the camel’s back.

Well, I had myself a little tantrum and I’m not going to share those texts with you. Poor Michael. He was just trying to get through his work day to get home to his family and then his wife loses it. Before long I was under control again and had apologized. Thankfully, he said that he understood and that he wasn’t upset with me.

I wish I could say that things were perfect once he was home. But, that’s not exactly how things panned out. We had a nice evening together with the kids Saturday. But we had a hard time connecting Saturday night because I had a wall up. It was late and we were both tired and so while Michael managed to break through a little and I managed to soften a little, that wall was still in place. Despite that, we had a really nice day Sunday. The weather was gorgeous and we were together, what could be better? But then early Sunday evening I started to distance. That wall was still up, we hadn’t managed to reconnect or have any intimate time and before long he’d be leaving again. I retreated to our bedroom, under the guise of putting away laundry. But once the laundry was put away I lay on the bed and turned on the television and allowed myself to be absorbed by home improvement and decorating shows. What I was really doing was hiding, distancing.

After awhile I got a text from Michael, he wanted to let me know that dinner was ready. I texted him back, simply saying thanks, but I didn’t get up and turn off the television and go downstairs. I stayed put. Shortly, up the stairs came my husband, no doubt wondering why I hadn’t made an appearance yet. After a bit of talking and cuddling and perhaps a bit of cajoling, I went downstairs with him and we had dinner. The rest of the evening was nice enough, some snuggling in front of the television and just relaxing. And then it was time to head to bed.

The reality was that the wall I’d constructed was tall and thick. Though I longed for us to connect, I was also hiding from precisely that. I did my best to push him away and keep him locked out of my heart. I can be very strong willed and stubborn when push comes to shove, but so can my husband. And though I’d made up my mind not to let him in, at least not fully, he had made up his mind that the wall was going to crumble, completely.

What commenced was a bit of a struggle. He had already tried talking to me and being sweet and had gotten nowhere fast. He knew that I needed more than that. If he wanted to break through that wall, it was going to take a concerted effort. And so, he decided to spank me. And I decided to resist. The thing is though, he’s a lot stronger than I am and though I have my ways of squirreling out of his grasp, at some point, I’m just trapped. Now realize that if I was truly withdrawing consent all I would have had to do was say my safeword and tell him just that. But that’s not why I was resisting. I was having trouble relinquishing those last vestiges of control. If he wanted to be in control he was going to have to take it because I wasn’t giving it, not then anyway.

And take control he did. He put me in the position he wanted me in and started to spank, hard. When I’d manage to move, he’d put me right back in place and continue. And when he’d had enough of spanking me with his hand, he moved on to the cane. I had settled down some, but I was still struggling. And as a result, he ended up spanking me longer and harder than he’d planned. But, when he stopped, he’d gotten through to me…or had he? No, not completely. But he had gotten me to a place where I was softened some and I was able to listen and really hear what he was saying. He held me and talked to me and pushed to know why the wall was still in place, what was keeping it there. It wasn’t long before I was crying and telling him and the last of the wall came crumbling down. He continued to hold me and soothe me. I asked him to tell me about Daddys and their babygirls. And I wish I had been recording him because I don’t really remember all that he said. But he told me about how Daddys love their babygirls unconditionally and how what they want most in this world is to see them happy. There was a lot more that he said, he was so sweet and I could tell that he meant every word.

After snuggling a little, I started to giggle. I’m pretty sure that surprised Michael and of course he wanted to know what was so funny. I giggled some more and he looked amused, but really wanted to know what was going on in that silly head of mine. And so, I told him. And what followed was a totally different kind of connection, an intimacy that felt like just the right way to end the night. Soon enough we were in each other’s arms again, spent, emotionally and physically, close and content. Our weekend ended with me snuggled into Michael’s side, my head on his chest, his arm wrapped around me and our fingers interlocked. And what a wonderful end to our weekend it was.

In the match up between Fix it Felix (me, building walls) and Wreck it Ralph (Michael, tearing them down) it's clear that Ralph came out on top and we were both better off because of it.  Hmmm...seems to me that's kind of how it happened in the movie version too.


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