Processing & Moving Forward

I’ve been thinking about what happened a couple of weekends ago, why I was on that downward spiral to begin with and how I ended up essentially hitting rock bottom. I never want to get to that point, go to that place, ever, ever again. Honestly, it was quite traumatic for both Michael and I. And I’m not the only one who has had to work through the emotions surrounding it. Michael was hurt and angry and I think scared too. I hate that I put him through that, that I put him in that position. But, I can’t beat myself up about it. I’ve apologized and have put a lot of effort into moving forward. He’s accepted my apology and loved on me and is helping me to move forward as he works on moving past it himself.

Honestly, I wonder if I had to hit rock bottom to be able to really start to move past my tendency to be so hard on myself, to not forgive myself, to not see myself as God sees me.

I’ve been stuck in that pattern of negativity for a long time and it’s not healthy. It’s time to let all that go. It’s not going to happen overnight, it’s going to be a process. It’s something I need to face head on, with Michael by my side. I continue to use coping techniques such as music and breathing exercises and they’ve really helped. And I continue to reach out to Michael as well and he’s always there with a word of encouragement or some levity to make me smile.

As time goes on I’m feeling much calmer and more even keeled. I still have my struggles, but I’m coping with them now, instead of burying them or acting out. I don’t allow the little struggles to gain momentum. As soon as a negative thought enters my head I take stock of it, see it for what it is, and shove it out the door. Practically speaking, I’ve been doing that by either using a breathing technique where I envision the negative leaving me as I breathe out and the positive coming in as I breathe in or I take the negative thought and replace it or counter it with a positive thought. And if for some reason that isn’t working and I continue to struggle or it seems that my emotions and negative thoughts are starting to overtake me, then I turn to my husband who is quick to help me get back on the right path. I’ve also been listening to a lot of uplifting music, stuff with a positive message. In fact, I’ve had one song going through my head as I’ve been writing this and it’s helping me to not go to a negative place.

I haven’t really talked about how my faith plays a part in all of this. And to be honest with you, I haven’t turned to God as much during this time. At first I just wasn’t able to pray to him at all, not about myself anyway. I continued to pray about friends and family, but I kept things short and to the point and that was that. Then on my car ride in to get Michael last Saturday I poured my heart out to God, and that was where a lot of those tears came into play. It was a desperate sort of prayer, from someone hurting. Since then I’ve prayed and I know he’s there, but I’ve been more apt to turn to my husband than to God. And I think that’s okay for now. God put Michael in my life for a reason and I’m sure that he’s using him during this time to help me. I just don’t feel like I have the words to pray for myself right now, but God knows what’s in my heart. And I know that others have been praying for me and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that.

I will say that things are brighter now. It’s not so dark anymore, though it’s a bit cloudy yet. But I catch glimpses of the sun and I know that even though I still struggle sometimes that there are brighter days ahead.


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