Out of the Darkness & Into the Light

This is hard for me to think about, much less write about, but it might help me to process things if I do write about it. So, here I am.

I’ve been feeling…I don’t know, not myself. I’ve shared a little about it in recent posts. Well, it all came to a head last Sunday night. As I told Michael, it was as if the devil was whispering in my ear and it was scaring me. I was scaring myself. The thoughts that were in my head were as bad as they could possibly be. I was feeling worthless and like everyone in my life would be better off without me. It wasn’t just a little pity party I was throwing myself, the ideas I was entertaining, well, if I’d gone through with them, I likely wouldn’t be here anymore. It was serious. I’m not going to say that I’ve never had such thoughts before because I’d be lying, but I never felt like I might actually go through with it. It was almost like it wasn’t even me. It was like I was watching myself, knowing the thoughts in my head and being scared for myself, like you would be for another person.

Finally I turned to Michael and he turned into a whirlwind. He actually kind of scared me because of how upset he got. I’m not saying that he shouldn’t have been that upset. I mean, I can only imagine how I’d feel in his shoes. But his reaction pushed me farther away from him instead of drawing me close to him. It wasn’t until he looked at his phone and saw the text that I’d sent to him a little earlier, saying that it felt like the devil was whispering in my ear and that I was scared and that I was sorry, that he was able to let go of his anger and really help me.

Throughout this week Michael has been keeping a close eye on me, well, as close as he can with not being here. I’ve had a couple of times when I’ve felt myself starting to slip and I’ve turned to him immediately and he’s been quick to speak affirming words to me and lift me up. I’ve made myself very busy this week, doing some intensive spring cleaning (now if only mother nature would get on the ball because it’s snowing as I write this). I’m learning techniques to help myself too. One thing I started doing yesterday when negative thoughts would start to creep in was I’d take a deep breath in and then as I was blowing it out I would envision the negativity leaving my body and then I’d envision breathing positivity back in.

Wednesday nights we go to church, the kids go to youth groups and the adults to Bible study. This Wednesday night it was like the message was tailored just for me. It was about our thoughts. Michael knew what a rough week I was having and he managed to arrange his schedule so that he could meet us at church. He wasn’t able to come home with us afterward, but I was able to have him by my side for a little while and that meant the world to me. In fact, before he had said that he would meet us there, I’d been thinking about not going. But it was a good thing I did go as the teaching really spoke to me, it hit me right where I was, where I am really.

I’m in a much better place now than I was Sunday night. But, I’m still feeling weak and just emotionally fragile. And I don’t really know why. Honestly, I think part of it is that ttwd, this journey we’re on, is making me face things that I’ve been hiding from for awhile. And I think Satan is taking advantage of that. He knows our weaknesses and that’s where he attacks. He knows when we’re feeling weak and that’s when he attacks.

Michael has been incredible. As I wrote in my last post, he really is my knight in shining armor. Little by little I’m feeling better and he can take a lot of credit for that. He’s been very encouraging and uplifting and I honestly don’t know what I’d do without him by my side. My hope is that whatever it is that I’ve been going through lately will lead to a breakthrough of some kind. I’ve seen glimpses of the light through the darkness, but at this point my focus has mostly been on just getting through. I’m hoping at some point to turn a corner and be bathed in sunlight and I can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to that. But for now, I’ll concentrate on just taking one step at a time, focusing on moving forward, knowing that Michael is by my side.

Comments

Popular Posts