Help Wanted

It was Sunday night. Actually, technically it was very early Monday morning. But since we hadn't slept yet, let’s stick with Sunday night. Michael and I lay in bed and he asked me if I needed to be spanked. We have a maintenance session once a week and it’s usually on the weekend, but it hadn't happened yet. In truth, I would have benefited from it Saturday night, but there was no way I was going to ask for it. And when he asked me Sunday night if I needed to be spanked I knew it was late, he was tired, and we both had to get up early. So, I figured that he didn't really want to spank me at that point, but would if I said I needed it.

The scenario just fed into my insecurities. I thought to myself that if it wasn't important to him then it wasn't going to be important to me. I honestly don’t remember how I answered him. I think I basically weaseled my way out of giving him an actual answer. He did talk with me briefly about how he felt the week had gone, said how proud of me he was because I’d been so good all week, etc. And then he wanted me to come snuggle. But he never told me that he wasn't going through with maintenance, never actually mentioned it. In the past I've had a hard time when he hasn't followed through, when it appeared to me as if either he’d completely forgotten or that it just wasn't important to him or that he’d rather not be bothered. And so, I had asked him to please just tell me if he’s not going to do it and share his reasons why. The idea is so that I’m not left to assume because that never leads to a good place.

There’s a communication gap that needs to be filled or an expanse that needs to be bridged or something. There have been times that I’ve asked Michael to spank me or more likely, I've suggested that I might be in need of some attention, which is essentially the same thing. But somehow him asking me if I need to be spanked, well, it’s not the same thing. There’s a part of me that thinks I should never need to be spanked and if I do then something is clearly very wrong with me. Mind you, I know what this lifestyle has done for us and yet, that part, though little, is very strong willed. I don’t know if you've gathered this about me or not, but I can be quite stubborn. (yeah, I know, surprise, surprise) And so, if I get something in my head, especially if there’s a strong emotion associated with it, it can be very hard to dissuade me from it.

I don’t want to be asked if I need to be spanked, unless it’s in a playful setting or maybe if it’s meant more as a statement than a question, as a kind of warning that I’m treading on thin ice. What I want is for him to decide. If he’s not sure what my mental/emotional/physical state is, then ask me about that, don’t ask me if I need to be spanked. If he wants to know if I’ll be upset if he doesn't follow through, if he doesn't spank me, then ask me that. And for my part, I need to let him in more. I still sometimes keep how I’m really feeling from him. I should have said something to him Saturday night, but I didn't.

I don’t know. Am I talking in circles? It kind of feels that way to me. I guess what I, what we, need is some help, some advice, some insight. I don’t like it when our weekend ends on a less than stellar note. The rest of the weekend had gone so well. I ended up feeling like it was all my fault, that I’d ruined the whole weekend. Michael of course assured me that it wasn't all my fault and that I hadn't in fact ruined the entire weekend. But in my overly emotional state it took him awhile to get through to me.

It would have been so much easier, gone so much better and we would have gotten to sleep so much earlier if he’d just spanked me to begin with. That’s not me putting it all on him. He chose not to follow through, but I also chose not to clue him in. But what I’m thinking about now is how to avoid this next time. I can’t control what he does, his choices, but I can change my choices and how I interact with him. I need a way to bypass those insecurities so that I’m not taking part in sabotaging ttwd. I need to figure out how I can communicate to him what I need to say, what he needs to know. Then the ball is in his court. But as it stands now I feel like Lucy pulling the football away just before Charlie Brown can kick it.

I need to figure out how to be brave and go to Michael with whatever is on my mind and not have in the back of my mind that I shouldn't need this, that I’m a burden. I know he doesn't feel that way, so why do I still go there sometimes? I guess I’m not entirely sure at this point.

Anyway, as the title of this blog post states, your help is wanted, needed even. Advice? Insight? Personal experience? We can learn so much from one another. I don’t know how many times someone’s comment has opened my eyes to looking at things in a completely different way and I have you to thank for that, so thanks!


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