What Happened

I know I don’t necessarily owe anyone an explanation, but honestly, I still feel awful about it and maybe someone else will learn from my mistake.

When I wrote the post Relinquishing Control I had a very good friend of mine in mind. We’re close and I wanted to be able to explain the changes that she was bound to see in my marriage. I sent it to her in an email. She knew I had started a blog, but she had no idea what it was about at that point. She responded in the way I’d hoped and expected she would. If I was happy, she was happy for me, with a bit of “to each their own” thrown in.

Over time I would mention a bit about my blog here and there and she’d comment occasionally about the dynamic between Michael and I. It was very casual, nothing really in depth or anything. She seemed comfortable with that and I didn’t want to push her out of her comfort zone or alienate her. Eventually I gave her the link to my blog. We’d talked enough over time that she had a good idea of what she’d find there I think.

Oh, for background information, she and her husband are into a bit of D/s, but it’s just for sexy, fun bedroom play, it doesn’t extend into other areas of their relationship. So the world of spanking and implements and such wasn’t foreign to her. I think the notion that an intelligent, educated woman would decide to engage in a domestic discipline dynamic was though.  lol

Anyway, she’s known about the dynamic almost from the beginning and a few months later I shared my blog with her, so she’s been in the loop for awhile. When I shared my blog with her I asked her to please not share it with anyone. And because of our friendship and the person she is, I trusted her.

Fast forward to a couple of weekends ago...Michael and I were at her house with her and her husband and another couple. She was feeling stressed out, having just found out that she might soon be downsized. Financially that would be a major blow to them. I’ve been feeling stressed about finances myself. And, well, she was pouring the wine and I was drinking…well, we both were. Can I just say that a little red wine goes a long way and a lot of red wine…well, you’ll see.

Most of the night we were all hanging out together, but at one point the three of us women broke away from the guys for some girl talk. My stressed friend needed to vent. At some point in the conversation about financial worries and woes our other friend brought up 50 Shades of Gray and said that we could write erotica for some extra cash. She said that she has a friend who does that and makes quite a bit of money. Well, we looked at each other and my friend who knew about my blog said “Grace is a great writer!” I just looked at her, thinking it was a nice compliment, but not sure what to do with it, so I said “That’s just the wine talking.” But, she insisted that I was a great writer and I, stupidly, said something like “Oh, on my blog.”   I was still trying to sweep it under the rug, but that statement opened the door instead.  She then said something about me writing erotica on my blog and the conversation took off from there. There was never any mention of specifics, no mention of domestic discipline or anything, but still.

Honestly I wasn’t too worried about it at that point, but then we joined back up with the men and the conversation continued. The husband of my friend who mentioned 50 Shades seemed WAY too interested in learning about my blog and I found out that my friend who knew all along really hadn’t ever said anything about it to anyone, including her own husband, who seemed intrigued as well. Michael and I did manage to put the brakes on and redirect the conversation, thankfully.  And the rest of the evening went well.

By the next morning my heart was in my chest. I realized that I had widened the circle of people who knew I had a blog and who knew it had something to do with erotica. Now, mind you, I don’t think of myself as an erotic writer. Most of what I write is just about my relationship with my husband. Many posts have nothing erotic in them. I have written a little fiction, but not very much. I’ve dabbled a little, but it’s a bit out of my comfort zone, honestly.

In a panic I made my blog private. I realized that I had put my friend in a precarious position. I’d asked her not to share and then I was the one who had opened my big mouth. In other circumstances it wouldn’t have happened, but that didn’t grant me any solace. Since her husband now knew I had a blog and the other couple did as well, what would she do if any of them asked her about it? Would she show it to her husband? Would she give our other friends the link? And if she did share it with anyone, would they also share it with others?

I wasn’t sure if I was being paranoid or not and so I sent an email to Michael to see what he thought. He thought I had valid concerns. I’m not sure if that made me feel better or worse. I wasn’t sure what to do. Should I quite blogging altogether? Should I leave my blog private and send out emails and try to get the word out so that I could send out invitations so that others could view it? Should I start a new blog? After several conversations with Michael, we decided that I would start a new blog and import my blog posts from the old blog.

It was a hard decision, but one we felt was necessary. The old blog sits as it was, only private now, with Michael and I as the only ones who can view it. The posts are all here. And many of my friends and readers have found their way here also. But I feel badly about the ones who haven’t. I didn’t want to just poof and have anyone wondering where I was, what happened, if everything was okay, etc. But, if I had left a forwarding post on my old blog it would have defeated the purpose of creating a new one. Yes, my readers would have had a heads up and could have easily followed me here, without the angst of wondering what happened, but my friend could have followed me here just as easily.

Suffice it to say, I won’t be giving out this blog address to anyone who knows me in my offline world. I really haven’t decided what to say to my friend if she asks about my other blog going private. I guess I’ll just acknowledge that yes, I took it private and that now it’s something just between Michael and I. That’s not a lie, it’s the truth. Sure, I’m omitting the part about my new blog, but that’s kind of the idea, isn’t it? She and I can still talk about the dynamic and tease each other about implements, but I just won’t talk about my blog anymore and she won’t be reading anymore.

I want to apologize to you, my friends and readers, for the whole debacle. I do like this new blog home. But, the way I left the last one wasn’t how I wanted to leave it. Actually, I didn’t want to leave it at all, but we’ve been over the reasons for that already. It really does feel kind of like moving into a new home. It was sad to leave the old home because it was where we started and where I met so many of you and there was so much growth there and so many things shared, so many life experiences, baby steps, some forward and inevitably some back. But just as the old home holds memories of the past, this new home holds the promise of the future. I know, I sound really sappy right now. But this whole thing has been hard for me and I’m just sharing how I feel.

Anyway, I wanted to explain and I wanted to apologize, and I’ve done both. Oh, I know what else I wanted to do, thank you. So many of you have been so sweet about welcoming me to my new home in blogland and I want you to know how much that means to me, thank you!

And, to my friends and followers from my old blog, as well as to the new friends I've met or will meet here, I want to say, welcome!


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