Insecurity is My Undoing

Sorry, this post isn't about Bas.  I understand that there's a Spankful for Bas event going on in this corner of blogland today.  I was invited to participate, but honestly, I don't know Bas very well.  He's made a few comments on my blog and I've made a few on his and that's about the extent of it.  I do wish him well though!

Yesterday, something happened that really shook my little world, shook me and my family.  Things are still playing out today.  I really don't have the strength to go into it right now, but I will say that it's not health related.  I don't want anyone worried about that.  Anyway, your thoughts and prayers for myself and my family are appreciated.  

Oh, and since I had this post already written and ready to publish, I'm going to go ahead and share it...

I don't really know how I'm perceived in the online world. But in my offline world I think most perceive me as quite confident. And generally I am when it comes to my views on things and how I choose to live my life. Truthfully not too many people's opinions matter that much to me.

But one person whose opinion has always mattered a great deal to me is Michael. Oh, there was a time in our marriage when I tried to pretend that wasn't the case, a time when I acted as if I didn't care what he thought or how he felt. But that simply wasn't true.

I feel like in the first year of us doing ttwd, the focus was mostly on us as a couple. We were figuring things out and finding our way together. In this, our second year of doing ttwd, I feel like our focus is more in depth and therefore requires more of each of us as individuals. I feel like a lot of the surface stuff has been dealt with and we're tackling deeper issues.

From my perspective it seems like Michael is really coming into himself. And it seems like I'm really struggling. Okay, I admit that I have shown improvement in some areas. But, more and more when I’m feeling hurt I've found myself withdrawing and taking it out on him.

For example, Michael had Monday off. The day went well. But that night something he said bothered me. I felt hurt. And instead of talking to him about it I withdrew and built walls. When it was time to go to bed I refused and Michael was left with the options of going without me or breaking down those walls and rescuing me from myself. Ever my knight in shining armor, he chose the latter option.

That sort of thing seems to be happening a lot lately and I've been trying to figure out where this behavior is coming from. It really hadn't been a big issue until recently. Or maybe it's been a big issue all along and it just didn't seem so with all the other issues we were trying to tackle. Maybe now that we're doing better in many areas this one just sticks out like a sore thumb. Or maybe it's that I'm more sensitive now. Is how he feels and what he thinks more important to me now? I'd have to say yes. So maybe it's due to a combination of things.

The truth is that I don’t feel like I measure up. Oh, I know intellectually that’s not true, but what does intellect have to do with emotions anyway? Not much sometimes, I’m afraid. When Michael points something out, when he rebukes me, it’s like I feel like he’s finally seeing the real me. I don’t feel good enough and I’m afraid that he’s starting to see that too and, well, I retreat. I know how much my husband loves me and yet, I’m afraid of him rejecting me. Honestly, it’s ridiculous, and I realize that, after the fact. It really has to do with how I feel about myself rather than how he feels about me. I have some perfectionist tendencies. Can those be inherited or do they have to be learned? Well, either way, I’ve got those bases covered. And while I’ve learned to be more understanding of others, I still struggle with applying that to myself.

I guess the first step of solving a problem is to recognize you have one, right?

My name is Grace 
and I’m an alcoholic a perfectionist. 

What’s the second step? I’m not sure. I do know that I need to start turning to Michael instead of away from him. I need to clue him in before the storm has a chance to brew inside. At the very least I need to give him an honest and open answer when he does realize that something is wrong and he asks me about it.

I imagine I’m not the only one to struggle with this. I’m open to advice, that’s for sure. Commiseration is good too though. This is something I need to tackle, for my benefit, for Michael’s, and for the sake of our relationship because right now it’s a real stumbling block.

"Insecurity's best cover is perfectionism.  That's where it becomes an art form."

I came across that quote online.  Apparently it's from Beth Moore's book So Long, Insecurity.  Hmmm, maybe I do know what step 2 is.  I'm off to see if it's available for my nook.


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