Emotionally Checked Out

Sunday night didn’t go smoothly.

I had a headache, took some medicine and lay down on the couch in the dark, quiet living room. Michael tried to get me to go to bed, but I wasn’t going without him and he had some stuff to take care of before he could join me. So, for about an hour I rested while he did what he needed to do. When he was done, we headed upstairs.

It was supposed to be maintenance night, but Michael decided that since I wasn’t feeling well he’d forgo it. He slid over and spooned me, trying to be sweet, but emotionally there was a swirling vortex inside of me. I knew that I needed something more from him. There was a distance between us, a gap that needed to be bridged. I wasn’t sure what effect a spanking would have on my headache though. There were three possibilities, it would help, it would make it worse, or it wouldn’t really have an effect. We talked and Michael decided to proceed with maintenance. The problem was that though I knew what I needed, I wasn’t really emotionally prepared to accept it. How he stands firm when I’m pushing back against him, I don’t know. I mean, physically he’s much stronger than me, but I mean emotionally I don’t know how he does what he needs to do when he’s getting so much resistance from me.

He spanked and I vacillated between holding still and fighting to get free. He was holding me firmly and every now and then he’d pause to check on me and see how I was feeling, what if any impact the spanking was having on my headache that is. Truthfully, I wasn’t paying much attention to my headache. I didn’t much care right then. I mean, I was aware of it, but I was busy withdrawing myself emotionally from the entire proceeding. I was determined that he was not going to get through to me.

Realize that I could have stopped the spanking with one single solitary word. I have a safe word and if I say it, Michael will stop immediately. But I didn’t say it. In fact, though I was fighting it, fighting him, at the same time I appreciated that he was following through. I imagine that sounds strange. I was very much of two minds that night, that’s for sure.

I had quite an attitude when Michael was done spanking me, which led to more spanking. I remember him telling me that he knew that I was upset with him, angry, hurt and that he understood why. He also said that he understood that I needed to get that emotion out. I’d been bottling it up and trying to deal with things by myself. But he had been so disappointed in himself, so upset that even though I was really hurt by what happened, I knew I needed to be strong for him. So, in the midst of it, I made sure that I was there for him when he needed me to be. But now it was me who needed him. I’d been a shell of myself, withdrawing emotionally not only from him, but from everything and everyone. I carried a nice façade with me that I used from time to time, but sometimes I didn’t even bother. Michael apologized again for what happened. In reality, it wasn’t the end of the world, but it felt like a crushing blow at the time and we were both left reeling from it.

I think there ended up being three sessions of spanking before I was finally in a place where my attitude wasn’t horrible. I’m not going to say that it got me to a soft submissive place because it didn’t.  But it got me to a place where I was willing to open up and talk a little.  I told him that I didn't feel like it was fair that I was the one getting spanked when I had been good all week, in spite of everything, when he'd been the one who had messed up royally.  He let me talk, let me get it out and then he told me that he understood why I would feel that way, but that this is how we do things.  He reminded me that I was starting the week with a clean slate and he said that while he was sure it wasn't easy to be the one being spanked when I hadn't been the one who screwed up, that it wasn't easy to be the one who had that screw up hanging over your head either.  He was glad that I'd talked to him some, that I'd been able to release some of those pent up emotions.  And I felt better knowing that no matter what we were going through and no matter what I threw at him, he was going to be there for me and try to fulfill his role in our relationship to the best of his ability.

After the spankings were over and we talked it was clear that Michael wanted to head in another direction. He tested the waters a bit and not getting a clear signal from me either way, he wanted to know what I wanted, how I felt. I didn’t know what to tell him. On the one hand I wanted him to take what was his, because I missed that feeling, I missed that connection. But on the other hand I really wanted nothing to do with anything sexual or intimate, snuggling and going to sleep sounded like a better option. This left Michael with a dilemma. He had wanted to know what I wanted, but I didn’t really know what I wanted.

We ended up having sex. I’m not going to call it lovemaking, though it was between two people who love each other. Emotionally I was checked out. As much as part of me wanted to connect with my husband, I just couldn’t. It wasn’t that I was consciously withdrawing. I just wasn’t able to go there. Physically of course my body reacted to him, but even that was lacking. The brain, the heart, thoughts and emotions are really such powerful forces when it comes to sexual connection. I tried to be more present for Michael’s sake; I tried to make more of an effort.  But the reality of it is that it ended up not being great for either of us. And yet, I was still glad that we’d tried.

Somehow this doesn't seem like a speed bump that we've hit along our journey; it seems more like a detour through a construction zone (yes, through the construction zone, not around it). We’re not where we want to be right now, but we’re not giving up either. And who knows, maybe we’ll come out on the other side of this detour in a better, stronger, closer, more lovely place than if we had avoided it altogether.

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