Confession

The details don’t really matter, but suffice it to say that I had gotten all worked up and retreated to our bedroom, with tears running down my face. It wasn’t long before Michael came up. Later on I thanked him for coming to get me. He said “You’re welcome babygirl. I figured I’d give you a few minutes to calm down a little and then I’d come up to rescue you from yourself.” And that’s exactly what he’d done.

Lately I’ve been having nightmares. Some of them don’t make much sense, but with others it’s easy to see the correlation between my worries and fears and how they play out in my subconscious. I’ve also been super sensitive. I’ve cried and retreated into myself at the drop of a hat. All Michael has to do is look at me funny or not look at me or say something or not say anything. Confusing much? Yeah, he’s been pretty baffled by it really. And I haven’t known what to tell him, how to explain, when I hadn’t really figured it out myself. We’ve talked and bottom line, we both feel its stress related, the nightmares and the oversensitivity.

And I’ve also been getting wound up at some point every time he’s been home lately. It’s like at a certain point I’m suddenly going 95 when the speed limit is clearly 65. I think it’s all the pent up stuff coming out in a physical manner. When he’s gone I have to be in control.  I’m the one taking care of the house, the kids, etc.  When he comes home I want to be that soft place for him to land, but there's so much going on inside me that it seems to come out even when I don't intend for it to, when that's not what I want, when that's now how I want to be.  I guess maybe because he's my safe place and my body knows it needs to let out some of that pent up stuff?  I think it’s been driving him a little crazy though. And I know it’s been driving me crazy!  I want him to want to come home. I don’t want to be a source of stress for him. I want to be his soft place to land, like he is for me. And though I’m trying to hold it together, obviously that isn’t going so well. I guess instead of dealing with the stress, I’m bottling it up and at some point the pressure is too much and some of it has to escape somehow?

Sunday night we got together with some good friends. It was Michael and I and two other couples. I may have had a little too much wine. And I may have said a little too much. And that may be why we had some reasons to be a bit worried about privacy issues in regard to my previous blog.  The story is a bit longer than that, but suffice it to say that it was my own fault, my own doing, and I was very disappointed with myself.  That said, I want to move forward and I'm glad Michael and I decided that I should start a new blog.  I value this community and though we may only know each other from blog posts and comments or maybe even email and chat, you mean a lot to me.

And that brings me to another confession...I’m dreadfully behind in my blog reading.  Honestly, I’ve had a hard time reading sometimes lately.  I haven't been in a good mindset and while the lighthearted and upbeat posts have put a smile on my face, anything that’s been negative in some way or that talks about struggles, whether ttwd related or otherwise, has left me feeling low or troubled.  I feel badly that I've not been keeping up with what’s going on with everyone else lately though. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just been a combination of not having as much time and dealing with my own stuff.  I do know that many of you have been struggling lately also, so this is from me to you…


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