Busy Weekend, Rules & Punishment

I hope you had a great weekend! We did, but it was a busy one. Michael didn't get home until mid afternoon Saturday. He had time to grab a quick bite to eat (he hadn't really eaten all day) and shower before we headed to a party for a friend of ours. We had a great time and we didn't get home too late really, but Michael had gotten up pretty early that morning.

Sunday we went to church and then scoped out a potential birthday party location for our youngest. He gave it two thumbs up, so we picked a date and put down a deposit. He’s pretty excited. I think the kids will have fun and though parties at home are nice, it’s so much less work to have it somewhere else, so I’m happy too.

After grabbing some lunch we headed home. Once home we all went in different directions. Our oldest headed for her room with her laptop. Our youngest headed for the tv and video games. Michael headed for the computer to get started on our taxes. And I headed upstairs to our bedroom to change. Well, the bed looked so inviting that I lay down and ended up dozing off a little. When I woke up it was time to get ready to head out again. We went to a super bowl party that friends of ours were having. Our team wasn't playing, but since the Ravens had kicked our team out of the running, we decided to root for the 49ers. Well, by half time we were pretty disappointed. I mean, did they forget to show up and play? And then the power outage happened. And the 49ers found their mojo. Finally the game got interesting. As you probably already know, the Ravens still won, but at least the 49ers gave them a run for their money. And we spent the night with good friends and good food, so it was all good. It was pretty late by the time we got home though.

And that brings me to late last night (actually, very early this morning) when Michael and I were lying in bed. He had me lie on my back, took my pillow away and placed my hands above my head. This is a position he regularly puts me in when he wants to discuss something. Well, usually it’s a case of him wanting to talk to me and expecting a “yes, Sir” here and there. He talked to me about a few things and apologized that maintenance wasn't really in the cards. We were both exhausted. He really got my attention when his hands found my nipples and started squeezing and pulling on them while he addressed the issues that had been raised in my last post.  He told me that as of now, if I don't have a certain amount of water every day and if I don't exercise a certain number of times a week then I will be punished. Even though I suspected that was how he would choose to address the issue, I still had a little trouble wrapping my head around it. I mean these have been rules for awhile now, but unenforced ones. Was he really going to enforce them? And was there any wiggle room to be had? He assured me that there is in fact no wiggle room and that I can count on enforcement. Oh. Um. Okay. I mean…yes, Sir.

He went on to explain that if I should miss one day of drinking the allotted amount of water that doesn't mean that I should just throw in the towel and forget it for the next few days, figuring I’m already in trouble anyway. No, he said that the severity of the punishment will depend on how much or how little I've complied, in regard to both exercise and water consumption. And he set pretty strict, though definitely not unreasonable, expectations in regard to just how often and how long I exercise. You see, he knows that I have a tendency to overdo it when I do exercise. I try to push myself and exceed my own expectations. This can be a good thing, however, there have been too many times when I've ended up injuring myself and then I can’t exercise at all for awhile. And then the cycle starts all over again. Will he punish me if I go over the allotted amount, if I do more than he said to do? That I’m not sure about, he didn't say and I didn't ask. I suppose the important part for me at this point is to make sure that I stay within the parameters that he’s laid out for me.

There is a little part of me that wants to test him. I know he enjoys spanking me, but not in a punishment scenario. That’s pretty intense for both of us. I rarely get punished because he finds ways to get my attention and redirect me before it gets that far. Also, he'll sometimes address a minor infraction during maintenance with some swats that are more intense. And so I wonder, will he really punish for this? I appreciate that he doesn't just punish for every little thing, but I think, for me at least, punishment is an important part of this dynamic. It’s not something that I enjoy. I don’t like to disappoint or upset him. And I certainly don’t enjoy the spanking. There are other types of spankings that I do enjoy, but a punishment spanking isn't one of them. There’s no warm up and the swats come hard and fast with the wooden hairbrush. It’s hard for him to deliver and it’s hard for me to take. But, it helps me with closure after I've messed up and I think it helps him move past it as well. It helps me to realize just how committed he is to improving our marriage and helping me to make improvements in myself. It stops me from continuing to beat myself up about things emotionally because the slate has been cleared and I can move on. In a way, it’s both a show of strength and compassion. Maybe that doesn't make sense to some, but that’s how I see it. And afterward, I feel cared about and cared for, those walls aren't just down, they’re gone. Oh yes, I can always rebuild and do too often. But after a punishment I am so open and vulnerable and when he holds me I just want to cuddle as close to him as I can. He’ll tell me sometimes, with a smile on his face, that I cannot climb into him.

Does this make sense to anyone else…this need for accountability, for punishment even? It’s not something I want exactly, but without it I tend to flounder. I've been pushing his buttons lately, poking the bear, pushing my luck. Why? I suppose to get his attention, to make sure he’s there, that he’s still committed to ttwd, that he’s still in charge, that he’s still leading us. It gives me a sense of security when I feel his strength. And when he follows through, when he is actively taking care of me, it makes me feel so loved. I don’t pretend to understand it, but that’s just how it seems to be. And I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.

So, drinking water and exercise…I guess they’re going to become healthy habits…either that or my bottom is going to be awfully tender.

I can do this!

Right???


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