Unmet Expectations

Last year my nice laptop overheated and the motherboard was fried. There were no finances available to do anything about it, repair or replace. But, Michael had an older laptop that he rarely used anymore. He’s been able to do pretty much everything he needs and wants to do on his phone. So, I started using his laptop. But, while I’m grateful to have it, I do get frustrated with it. It’s older and wasn’t top of the line when we bought it, so it’s slow. Sometimes it will go along alright, but other times it will get bogged down and even freeze up at times.  (no, no virus or malware, etc. to be found)  I try to be patient, but sometimes the timing isn’t good or I’ve tried to be patient for as long as I can stand and I end up venting my frustration.

Michael was home and I was helping him by looking some stuff up. I’d spent a couple of hours online when the laptop decided it was going to take its own sweet time and then freeze up. Michael was looking over my shoulder at that point and I voiced my frustration. I said something about how sometimes I just feel like chucking the stupid thing out a window. I forget exactly what he said, but I remember my reply to him, and it wasn’t nice. He then responded by saying that I could just not use the laptop anymore. That statement hit me like a ton of bricks. I got up and headed rather quickly for our bedroom and collapsed on the bed in tears. Michael followed me up, lay down next to me, pulled me into his arms and wanted to know why I was so upset, why was I crying?

Looking back on it now, there were a few things going on. I was already on edge.  The details aren't really important, but I was looking stuff up to try and find a solution to a situation that we found ourselves in with a company whose services we've used for years.  Out of the blue they decided to change their tune and were being totally unreasonable.  We needed to look into other options and figure out if we could take our business elsewhere, since it didn't look like we were going to be able to work things out with the company we currently were using.

Another factor was that it was that time of the month. I’m not mentioning it to use it as an excuse for bad behavior, but it does play a role in how I’m feeling. I’m more emotional and more prone to react in ways that I wouldn’t otherwise or at least in more extreme ways that usual. That was evident with my impatience and negative attitude as well as in regard to the crying.

Another thing in play was that I was disappointed in myself.  My attitude and behavior certainly weren't in line with the goals that I outlined 
in my post about resolutions.  Goal number one has to do with having a content/thankful/grateful spirit and obviously that’s not where my head or heart was at.  And goal number two has to do with appreciating my husband and that obviously wasn’t going well either.  I had expectations of myself and I’d failed to meet them. And I felt like I had failed to meet my husbands expectations as well. And he had called me on it. He held me and loved on me and apologized for the tone he'd taken with me. I tried to stop crying, tried to tell him what was wrong, how I was feeling, but I was really just an emotional mess. He gathered enough from my blubbering to have a clue what was going on and continued to love on me while I started to calm down. 

I’d like to say that things were hunky dory between us when we went back downstairs, but though I’d stopped crying I was still really upset. I avoided the computer and started cleaning. He gathered up some things and went out to run some errands. After awhile I wished that he was home. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to throw my arms around him and ask for his forgiveness. I wanted to tell him how much I love him. But he wasn’t home yet and so I sent him a text.

It seemed the cooling off period was good for us. When Michael came home I was able to apologize in person. We talked a bit, about what had happened earlier, about what we’d both done while apart and we discussed the issue we needed to resolve a bit more too. Things were okay between us again, we were alright. The storm had passed and we had once again survived, a little bruised perhaps, but bruises heal.

I know. Chilling out may be in order. I’m working on it. Really.  
But I could use Michael’s help. There’s been a lack of spanking and a lack of intimacy lately. Okay, not exactly a lack of intimacy, but a lack of actual sex. What can I say?  I do so much better when I’ve been spanked and have been the recipient of a sperm deposit.  lol  Maybe this weekend?  I can hope!


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