Looking Back and Moving Forward

Michael worked Saturday. That isn’t all that unusual. What was unusual was the time he arrived home, 8pm. Usually if he works on a Saturday it’s a short day and he’s home by mid afternoon at the latest, and often he’s home by lunch time. 

I had some things to do around the house. But I found myself missing him more and more as the day went on. Truth be told, I was bored and lonely and just wanted my husband home. It didn’t feel right for him to be gone all day.

By the time he did get home, my emotions were running a bit high and I was feeling needy. He came in the door and I promptly announced that I needed a spanking. He laughed and said “I’ll see what I can do about that.” After I pushed his buttons a bit he then asked “Do I need to take you into the bathroom and give you a few swats with the bath brush right now?” I answered no and quickly retreated, though the real answer to his question was yes, do something before I lose what little control of myself I’m hanging onto at the moment.

As the evening wore on, I vacillated between having a good attitude and behaving well and pushing boundaries and testing out just how clear that line in the sand was. Michael was less than thrilled. He had gotten up quite early and had a long day. He had looked forward to coming home, relaxing and enjoying some time with his family. I was wound up. It’s not such a great combination.

By the time we went to bed Michael had decided to address the situation…firmly. I’m not sure what label to give the spanking that ensued. I think it covered a lot of bases actually…maintenance, stress relief, correction, reaffirmation of roles, etc. It was the worst spanking I’ve had in quite some time. He wanted to get his point across, break through those barriers and he certainly accomplished his goal. Even though it had been hard to handle, he helped me through and afterward he held me and loved on me, which led to some other quite enjoyable activities.

We did talk a bit about this spanking. I pouted a bit and said “You spanked me really hard.” He agreed that he had, unapologetically. And then he said that he thinks I need a firmer spanking more often, perhaps even once a week. I was a bit flabbergasted by that statement. As you may know, we do maintenance once a week. It varies in intensity, but isn’t generally as intense as this spanking had been. I asked him why he felt that maybe I needed a more intense spanking more often and his reply was something along the lines of he just thought that it may benefit both of us. That was an answer that wasn’t really an answer and so I’ve been thinking more about it myself. At the time I just pouted and told him he was a big meanie and he smiled and pulled me close.

Last fall I fell into a bit of a depressed period. I was feeling anxious and worried and scared and just really down a lot of the time. I imagine that came across in my posts at least to some extent, though I tried to keep how I was feeling to myself as much as possible. I hate to be that person who you can’t even stand to be around because they infect you with their low mood. Anyway, Michael was under a lot of stress himself and ttwd was put on hold. Oh, the dynamic didn’t disappear completely, but it was way in the background. And, with the rare exception, spankings ceased to exist. I took a break from blogging, thinking I’d be away for awhile, but that didn’t last very long at all. I needed to connect with people, with you, and I needed this place to try to sort through everything.

With the arrival of the new year Michael and I recommitted ourselves to using ttwd to help us and our relationship. As I said, we hadn’t abandoned it completely anyway, but it was time to bring it back to the forefront again. I think actually the break for us was good, even if the circumstances surrounding it weren’t. We were just trying to stumble through with ttwd when it was on the back burner where now it feels like we’re more focused and experiencing some real growth again.

I do struggle to find a balance sometimes though. I had been feeling so low, so unlike my normal self. And now that the fun, feisty Grace is returning, well, sometimes that line in the sand seems fuzzy. Michael’s actually been great. I really admire his strength and resolve. The issues that had caused us both so much stress last fall are ongoing, though not in quite as urgent a manner as before. We feel like we can breathe a little bit now, where before we were feeling suffocated.

So the point I’m skirting around is that maybe he’s right. Maybe we both need those firmer spankings more often right now. Maybe we will both benefit from stepping things up a bit. I’ve been very feisty at times lately. And while Michael enjoys that side of me, I definitely push it too far sometimes. I think I need to really feel his control right now, need to feel his dominance, need to feel that sense of security that he’s here and we’re going to be okay, we’ll get through this together. And I think he needs to feel in control right now, needs to feel my submission, needs to feel that sense of security that I’m not going anywhere, that I’m willing to see this thing through and that we’ll get through this together.

Hopefully next weekend we’re going to have a bit of time to ourselves. How nice it will be to have the house to ourselves, to not have to worry about the kids hearing anything, to have some privacy. The plans are tentative at this point, but I’m hopeful and already looking forward to it. I know Michael is as well. *fingers crossed*

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