One boundary to intimacy can be the fear of whether we’ll be accepted or not, just as we are, with all that entails. Just bringing up the idea of DD can be scary because of this fear. We don’t want to be rejected, especially by our spouse. And this fear of whether we’ll be accepted or not can continue to be a barrier to vulnerability once we’ve decided to incorporate ttwd into our relationship dynamic. 

In our case, Michael accepted my desire, dare I say need, for this long before I really did. In the early stages of embracing ttwd I had a really hard time accepting that need in myself. It flew in the face of who I believed myself to be and what society had taught me about being a strong woman. It didn’t fly in the face of what my faith had to say on the issue however. And yet, I really struggled at times. I wrestled with whether there was something wrong with me for wanting this. There were times I thought surely I must be crazy. And yet, I saw the improvements that were already beginning to show in our relationship. And when we got it right I felt so much better, calmer, more content, centered. But still I struggled with acceptance.

There were times when I really got myself worked up over it. I felt like I was losing my mind. But, time after time, Michael reassured me. He would question me and make me face the reality that there is nothing wrong with wanting or even needing this and therefore there is nothing wrong with me. It got to the point where he forbade me to go down that road. If I started getting upset and questioning my own sanity he’d put a quick stop to it, backing that up with the threat of a spanking if I continued. Over time I started actually listening to him. Yes, over time. It was not a case of him telling me, explaining to me, making me see for myself one time and that was that. No. It took awhile. I know it drove him crazy. And yet, he was there for me each and every time. There to reassure me and make me answer his questions so that it wasn’t just him telling me it was okay to want this, but making me see it for myself.

I’d be lying if I told you that I never question anymore. I’m the type of person who feels the need to understand something in order to move on. But sometimes, understanding is out of reach or it’s something you must gain over time.

I’m kind of chuckling to myself right now because I just recalled a time when Michael was trying to teach me how to do something. This was a long time ago and definitely wasn’t ttwd related. Anyway, he kept telling me what to do, but I just couldn’t get it. Finally, I asked him why it had to be done that exact way. He explained and you know what? The next time I tried it, I got it right. I couldn’t just accept that was how it was done. I needed to understand why.

But some of the most amazing and important things can’t really be understood. They have to just be accepted. For example, I can try to explain Christianity to an atheist, but at some point I’m just going on faith. I’m believing without seeing. Some people can’t do that. (or they think they can’t…evolution is a theory after all, so if you believe in that it’s because you have faith in the theory, not because it’s a fact…but I digress)

Anyway, I think it’s natural to question and it’s natural to hold out on acceptance until the proof is in the pudding. But, I think this says it well…

Do I have to understand why a rose is red to appreciate its beauty? No. I might seek out the knowledge so that I gain understanding. But, the rose was just as beautiful before I understood why it was red as it was afterward, was it not?

I suppose that’s a poor illustration, but hopefully you see what I’m trying to say. Sometimes in our quest for knowledge, our quest for understanding, we fail to appreciate the beauty that’s before us. If we instead just accept it for what it is, we get to just enjoy its beauty.

And so, I try not to question so much anymore. I don’t need to understand why I feel happy and content and so close to my husband after he spanks me. I can just enjoy it instead. What a blessing!


Popular Posts