First of all, thanks to all of you who left comments or sent emails to check on me, offer well wishes and encourage me following my Sabbatical post. In reality I wasn't MIA for long, but I had posted because I wasn't sure how long a break I was going to take. I didn't want to leave anyone hanging, wondering if something had happened. And I needed to be in the mindset that I was taking a break and not feel obligated to be here. I've missed you, missed being here, missed blogland, but the short break was good and necessary for my own well being.
Basically, I needed a breather to sort some stuff out and to get my head and heart in a better place. I had been trying to be strong and trying to stay positive for a couple of months. But, as life continued to throw things at us stress and discouragement took their toll and I admit that I started to shut down. I ended up allowing fear and anxiety and regret and disappointment and hurt to take over. They had a grip on me from the time I woke up in the morning until I fell asleep at night. Actually, it didn't stop there as I was having vivid dreams many nights as well. Suffice it to say that I was not in a good place.
I’m starting to feel better now. I’m not 100% yet, but I’m headed in the right direction. My spirit is feeling brighter, lighter, and that’s a good thing. Some friends have come alongside me (you know who you are, THANK YOU!). And Michael stayed close, even when I was trying so hard to push him away (he’s pretty amazing, this husband of mine). There are some things that he and I are working through. There have been some misunderstandings between us and some hurt feelings along the way. And some things have been shared that were hard to say and hard to hear, but necessary nonetheless. Many of the stressors are still there, still affecting our lives. But the anxiety and fear and all those understandable, but negative emotions are losing their grip on me and I’m moving past the funk that I had settled into.
One friend asked me some tough questions, one of which was where I saw God in all this. I told him that I didn't know. I didn't feel God’s presence, but I know that the Bible says that He will not leave me or forsake me. (ex. Deuteronomy 31:8 - It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will never leave you or forsake you, do not be dismayed. & Hebrews 13:5 - Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”) In thinking about it more, I recalled that old poem, Footprints in the Sand by Mary Stevenson.
Yes, I think that God has been carrying me through this time. And I think he's been waiting for me to fully surrender myself and the situation to him.
So, I’m trying, trying to trust God and the plan he has for me and my family. I’m trying to take things one day at a time and stop waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. I’m trying to change my perspective, change my focus. I'm trying to tackle what I can and leave the rest for God to handle. I'm trying to remember to count my blessings. And I'm trying to remember that Michael and I are in this together and be there for him as much as I can while remembering that he's there for me to lean on as well.