Stress, Hope & Our Dynamic

I find myself in a place where I’m not really sure what to say.  Things have been stressful lately.  At times I’ve been an emotional wreck.  It’s not just that we need to get the electrical box replaced and the potential fire hazard in the meantime.  That’s really just the straw that broke the camel’s back.  Things have been piling on and seem to keep piling on and I’ve found it suffocating at times.  I’ve needed to just stop and focus on breathing.  I wonder if meditation would help.  I’ve tried praying, but sometimes I’m honestly at a loss for words then too.  Thankfully, I know God hears what’s in my heart, whether I can put it into words or not.  In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.  Romans 8:26

I know that Michael has been feeling stressed lately too.  He has broad shoulders, but I know it’s got to be tough for him right now.  I imagine that my precarious emotional state isn’t helping matters.  It probably only adds to his stress level.  Then again, maybe it gives him something to focus on, and when he can be there for me and helps me to feel better, perhaps it helps him feel better too…yeah, probably not.

I feel like I’m talking/writing in circles a bit, since I don’t really want to go into all that’s going on.  And each individual thing, while concerning, isn’t necessarily that big a deal unto itself.  However, lump them all together and it starts to feel overwhelming.  Throw into the mix the fact that I’ve had a hard time trusting Michael to handle some of the things that are his to handle, and perhaps you start to understand why I’ve had a few meltdowns lately.  To Michael’s credit, though I don’t think he really understands, he’s been there for me and helped me through.  I’ve cried so much on him lately (either in person or over the phone).  I’ve joked that I’m going to tell everyone that I’m going on a retreat and find myself a nice padded room to stay in for a bit.  A friend of mine seems ready and willing to join me and said that she hopes we can get adjoining rooms!  Funny, but not funny…if you know what I mean.

Lately the dynamic between Michael and I has been changing a bit too.  There have really always been some D/s elements in our relationship and then we incorporated DD and so we embraced the term ttwd (this thing we do) because it can be whatever we want it to be, whatever works for us.  Lately that has meant that we’ve been embracing a little different style of D/s.  Also, Michael has stepped things up as far as expectations and accountability are concerned.  He seems more confident, more sure of himself, and I’m not sure if that’s because of the changes or if that’s what facilitated the changes.  All in all, I think we’re doing quite well as far as our dynamic goes, and with drawing together through this stressful time instead of letting it pull us apart.  There have been many bumps in the road lately, not so much in regard to ttwd, but just with life itself, but I can only imagine how much worse this time we’re going through now would be if it happened before we incorporated DD into our relationship.  We’d be at each other’s throats by now I imagine.  So, I’m trying to just breathe when I need to, pray when I can, draw strength from family and friends, trust my husband and believe that we will pull through this time, perhaps a bit bumped and bruised, maybe even bearing some scars, but stronger for it.


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