It’s all about attitude
Instead of thinking: Rules cramp my style!
Think: Boundaries keep me safe.
Instead of thinking: I’m afraid of not measuring up.
Think: I enjoy the freedom of being forgiven.
Instead of focusing on: Don’t do that! – or – Do that!
Think: I don’t (or do) want to do that because I know he/she has my best interests at heart and I want to create harmony in our home.
Sometimes I get caught up in how I think about something. I can end up having a complete meltdown simply because of the way I have my head wrapped around (or not so wrapped around) something. Sometimes I realize myself that I need to change my focus, change my attitude, but other times it takes Michael stepping in.
Earlier this week I had a meltdown and it was because of my attitude, my focus wasn’t where should have been. I mean, these were real issues that I was upset about, but I really allowed myself to get carried away. I was in tears on and off most of the day and I just got myself to the point of feeling completely overwhelmed. I know that doesn’t do anyone any good, much less myself, but there I was. One thing I did right was I reached out to Michael. I wrote him an email and went through everything I was upset about. I was venting, but I tried very hard not to place blame on him. I did place plenty of blame on myself though. Soon after I sent it, I regretted it. I was afraid he’d be really upset. If I could’ve retrieved that email somehow before he’d see it, I would have. I sent another email, apologizing for the first email. And then a little while later, not having heard anything from him yet and feeling miserable, I sent him a text apologizing again. He hadn’t had a chance to read my emails yet, but said that he’d glanced at them. I told him I wished he wouldn’t read them. Of course I knew that wasn’t going to happen. In fact, I probably just made him feel that it was even more important to read them. *sigh* We sent a few texts back and forth and I did feel a little bit better, but it wasn’t until I got an email from him and we talked that I was able to really let it go and move past it.
I love you baby girl! You need to remember that’s what’s most important. The rest is just stuff. And you need to let me worry about my stuff and just handle your stuff. I want to know how you are doing, and I was never mad at you, okay? I love you baby girl! Forever and always!
You see, some of the things I had myself all worked up about were things that I couldn’t do anything about, stuff on Michael’s plate, not mine. And I was convinced that he was going to be upset with me after reading that first email I sent him. I figured that maybe what I should have done was let him know I was upset, but not go into all the reasons why, what was going on in my head.
Michael was right of course. My attitude was all wrong. While there are some things that we need to do something about, work on, work out, I was looking at everything with a negative attitude and the longer I allowed myself to think that way, the worse it got. I allowed myself to get to the point where I started feeling like things were hopeless, like we were just waiting for the other shoe to drop, like there was no point in even trying anymore. Wow. That is so far from the truth and I know it. What I really allowed was Satan into my head to feed me lies.
That reminds me that I really want to read the book Battlefield of the Mind again. I lent my copy to my mother in law and I never got it back. Rather than ask her for it, I think I’ll just buy it again, on my nook this time. Yes, I feel that it’s good enough, a valuable enough resource, to buy it twice. Oh, I imagine I could get it from the library, but it’s something I imagine I’m going to read, in part or in full, many more times and I’ll probably get more out of it each time.
Okay, I feel like I’ve been a little all over the place in this post, sorry. Anyway, Michael really has a way of helping me get my head on straight. He knows just what to say and how to say it in a way that I’ll be receptive and at least realize that I need to change the way I’m thinking about things. I can get myself too worked up about things that don’t matter as much as I end up thinking they do. And if I’m already upset about one thing, then I tend to add things to the list, which is when I can start to feel overwhelmed. I have no idea why I do that. I mean, it’s just making a bad situation worse. It’s like throwing water on a sinking ship; it’s only going to make it sink faster. But, I get to a point where the ball is rolling so fast I have trouble stopping it by myself. That’s where Michael comes in, lovingly, but firmly, sweet, but strong. Other people, friends and family, they don’t see that side of me because I don’t let them…or if I do, it’s very rare. I can hold myself together to do what I need to do, to take care of what I need to take care of…but then, at some point, I will fall apart and thankfully, when that happens, Michael is there to pick up the pieces and put me back together. I’m so thankful to have such a wonderful husband. And you know what, even though I’ve been in love with him for over 20 years now, it kind of feels like I’m falling in love with him all over again. *happy sigh*
Note: For some reason Blogger decided to change the formatting part way through this post. No matter what I did to try and fix it, it remained the same. And as much as it annoys me, eventually I gave up. *shrug*
***Update*** Thanks to Cat's insight and advice, the formatting issue is fixed! Woo-hoo! Thanks so much Cat! (if you've had formatting issues in blogger, check out Cat's advice in the comment she left to this blog post)