Last night Michael came strolling through the back door with a big smile on his face.  I looked up at him, shock registering on my face.  I wasn’t expecting him, had no idea he was going to be home.  He could only stay for a couple of hours, kind of passing through, but it was such a nice surprise.  Unfortunately, I didn’t really behave so well while he was here.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately, but I’ve been pushing his buttons, testing boundaries and just plain acting out.  The other part of the equation is that he’s been under a lot of pressure, feeling stressed and tired.  So, I’ve been pushing buttons at a time when he’s more sensitive to such things.  Brilliant!  *rolling my eyes*

I felt really badly after he left last night and so I wrote him an apology and emailed it to him…

I owe you an apology.  I'm really sorry for how I behaved tonight. I was so surprised to see you and happy that you were home.  Once you arrived I found myself kind of  hoping that my friend would leave so I'd have you to myself...well, okay, I'd still have to share you with our son and the dogs, but you know what I mean.

I imagine my behavior earlier was due to a combination of things. I'd spent the afternoon with my friend and we were having a good time and maybe I was showing off a little.  And perhaps in the back of my mind I was compensating a bit too, you know, wanting to show her that I'm still me, that I can still be myself, in case she is reading my blog.  Also, I guess I'm kind of upset with you about some things, but I haven't wanted to say anything and so maybe I was kind of taking that out on you a bit.  Also, I've been struggling to feel close to you.  I don't know if it's because we haven't had that much time together or what, but I feel that distance...and I don't think it's coming entirely from me.  I don't know if you're just stressed or if you're upset with me or if it’s just that you've been so busy and tired or what.  And I guess I wanted your attention tonight, especially since you weren't going to be home for that long.

Anyway, no matter how many things contributed to my behavior tonight, it's not how I should treat you and it's not how I want to treat you.  I'm sorry.

Note: I did remove the names from the email and put in “our son” and “my friend” instead.

A little while later I received an email from Michael…

             I understand.  I'm stressed and tired, no doubt.  I'm really looking forward to this 
            weekend  and I'm not mad or upset.  I love you!

I'm glad to know that he isn't mad or upset with me, but I'm still trying to figure myself out.  I've been really struggling lately with my attitude and behavior.  I mean, having some fun and joking around is one thing and Michael enjoys that too, but this goes beyond that.  In fact, I've been kind of mean sometimes.  I feel like I'm reverting back to some old behaviors and I'm not entirely sure why or what to do about it.  It's like I don't even realize what I'm doing until I'm in the midst of it and sometimes not even then, sometimes it's only when I look back at it or find myself perplexed at why Michael seems upset or annoyed with me.  Ugh.

What's wrong with me?

Honestly, what just came to mind is that I'm trying to keep him at arm's length.  I've felt hurt and alone and I don't want to let him in because then I might end up feeling hurt again.  I don't want to feel like I need him because I feel like I can't rely on him to be there for me.  And so, instead I've been pushing his buttons, testing boundaries and acting out.  To be fair to him, he has been here for me as much as he's been able to, both physically and emotionally.  But things have been difficult lately.  He's been very busy at work and we've had some stressful stuff to deal with on the home front as well.  I think we both feel like we could use more support from one another right now and neither of us feel like we have much to offer the other. What I need to remember though, is that we're a team.  It's not me against him, him against me.  We need to work through this together, not take out our frustrations on one another.

What I'd really like about now is a vacation...a vacation without the kids, just Michael and I.  I'd go wherever he wants to go, but I'm thinking someplace with a beach sounds nice.  I'd settle for a long weekend, but I'd like to be selfish and have a whole week together.  I'd miss the kids, but Michael and I could really use some time together, just the two of us.  I don't see such a vacation happening at this point, but perhaps we can manage to squeeze a date in somewhere.  I can hope.  *fingers crossed*


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