Is it worth it?
I’m going to just dive in and see what comes out…
We had a great weekend. Friday was a crazy busy day for me, and then Michael and I and the kids left Saturday morning for a little getaway with family and friends. We didn’t get home until late last night. The only downside of the weekend was that Michael and I had very little privacy and we didn’t really get any time to ourselves. And that’s why I found myself a mess last night. This is the part of ttwd that I hate…the need to be close. I mean, on the one hand I love how much closer we are. We talk more, listen more, share more, touch more, etc. However, when circumstances don’t allow us to really connect on an intimate level, whether it’s spanking or sex or whatever, I don’t handle it well. As I said in my last post, I think it’s important to be thankful for what I do have. I got to spend a three day weekend with my husband and that’s pretty awesome. And I am thankful. But at the same time I can’t deny how it made me feel not to have that special time together for just the two of us.
I sometimes wonder if ttwd is worth it. Maybe we should try to work on our relationship and connection without DD as a part of things. Sometimes I feel like I just can’t need him as much as ttwd makes me need him. He’s gone a lot, we have other obligations, other things and other people that take our time and energy. Why should I end the weekend a crying mess when overall we had a really nice time? I wonder what it would be like if he was home every night. Would Sunday night (or in this case, Monday night) be so traumatic? I would guess not. But this weekend we didn’t get that time in and now he’s gone for the week. And I thought we might have a little time for just the two of us next weekend, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to pan out either. Sometimes I think I just need not to care so much, it needs to not matter so much. I need to be more independent. But I don’t want things to go back to what they were between us before either. Somehow there needs to be a balance…and that’s something I’ve never been good at. I’m an all or nothing sort of person, always have been. Striking a balance doesn’t come natural to me and I’m not sure it feels healthy to me either, instead it feels indifferent, depressing sometimes even. Does that make any sense? Probably not, but I’m having trouble figuring out how to explain what I mean. And perhaps I just don’t really understand this whole concept of balance anyway.
Michael and I need to talk and we need some alone time, but I’m not going to hold my breath on either of those things happening. In fact, I don’t know that I even want to talk right now. I guess I’m not sure if it will really mean anything anyway. It all seems like such pie in the sky. Yeah, sounds great, but make it happen, not likely. I’m not blaming Michael, it just is what it is and I need to figure out a way to be okay with that.