I've been...

…acting selfish and immature.  When I don’t get what I want, what I “need”, I have a meltdown and start questioning whether we should be doing ttwd, whether it's worth it.  I’ve been acting like a spoiled brat.

Life isn’t always what we want it to be and this is not a news flash for me.  But, I’ve been treating ttwd as an all or nothing proposition and it just can’t be that.  There’s so much more to our lives than ttwd.  If we’re going to continue to use it as a relationship tool it will have to be okay for it to take a back seat to other things when necessary.  I’ve been spoiled by the closeness and the attention and it makes me hungry for more.  It’s almost like a drug and I can’t get enough.  But everything in life has limits, whether we want them to or not.

I had stopped sending good morning and good night texts to Michael this week.  I justified this by telling myself that I didn’t need to because I'd decided that ttwd was on hold.  I wasn’t doing it out of anger, but perhaps because I was feeling a little hurt and also I think I was checking to see if he cared or not.  Yes, I was testing, pushing boundaries, checking limits.  But he didn’t get on my case and tell me that I had better start sending the texts again.  Instead he just seemed hurt, disappointed, let down.  And when I realized that, I realized how immature I was being.  It wasn’t my intent to hurt him and I apologized.  I asked him if he was upset with me and he said that he wasn’t really upset with me, more upset with the whole situation.

The thing is, Michael is pretty laid back.  He’s, generally speaking, a pretty easy going guy.  I’m not really like that.  I mean, I can be sometimes, but that’s not really my default setting.  And so I think sometimes I push him to kind of get him going, wake him up.  I can be pretty demanding sometimes.  That doesn't really jive with submissive does it?  But at the same point, he’s much more willing to just let things go, let things be, let them slide and then where will we be?  I guess the thing is, perhaps sometimes I do need to push him a bit, but I need to learn how to recognize that’s what I’m about to do before I actually do it, so that I can do it in a loving and respectful way.  And, on the other hand, sometimes he needs to help me chill out.  I think he just needs to work on being more in tune with me so that he can be more proactive with that…or maybe I need to clue him in more.  We really do complement each other well in this regard, but sometimes we get to a place where we’re butting heads instead of working together.

It’s funny, sometimes I start writing and I don’t even really know where I’m headed with it.  Other times I think I’m headed in one direction and I veer off course and end up somewhere else.  Sometimes I feel like I don’t really have anything to say or I don’t know what to say, but if I just start writing, most of the time something comes out.  Writing is therapeutic for me I guess.

Anyway, I can see now that I have a lot of work to do on myself.  I have an idea, a picture in my head, of the person I want to be and I’m not there yet.  I need to remember to give myself grace though, because really, we’re all a work in progress.  Life isn't so much about the destination, it’s about the journey.

I’m so grateful to have a wonderful, loving husband.  He’s so patient and understanding.  I swear I don’t know how he puts up with me sometimes.  I guess we all have our shortcomings though, none of us are immune.  But, if we’re willing to look at ourselves and see where we fall short, acknowledge that and try to improve, well, I’d say we’re on the right path at least.


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