Distancing and Tears


  
This past weekend went by way too fast.  Michael wasn’t home for all of it and I was upset about that.  I decided to distance myself emotionally from him.  It was kind of a self preservation technique, or that’s how I looked at it.  Last week had been a busy and sometimes stressful one and by the time the weekend rolled around I felt like I needed my husband by my side.  When he couldn’t be there for me I pulled away and put up walls.  When he finally was home and tried to pull me close I pushed him away.  That didn’t go over so well and by Sunday night he’d had enough of it.

Something interesting happened that night, something that hadn’t happened before.  I cried through a spanking.  Oh, sometimes I've cried before or after, but never during.  We were lying on the bed.  We’d been talking.  It was an emotional conversation.  Then he flipped me over and started spanking and I immediately started crying.  It had nothing to do with physical pain.  He was using his hand and making sure that I was feeling it, that’s for sure, but the tears were a release of the emotions I had built up.  I think my crying, bawling really, caught Michael off guard and he wasn’t sure whether to stop or keep going.  He hesitated, but continued to spank, though not for very long.  Then he pulled me close and held me tight.  To tell you the truth, those tears caught me off guard too and for a moment I wasn’t sure how to feel about it, if I should try to stop crying, if I thought that he should stop spanking or keep going and how I’d feel about it either way.  But those were fleeting thoughts.

I’ve read about others who cry during spankings and I’d wondered what it would be like.  However, it wasn’t a goal I was trying to achieve or anything; it was more a passing curiosity on my part.  I guess I’d say it wasn’t really a bad thing and I’m glad that Michael continued, but I was also glad when he stopped.  I think he handled it/me quite well actually.  I find myself wondering if it will happen again or not.  I imagine if the circumstances are right it might.  I’m not going to worry about it though.  If it happens, it happens.  But it’s still not a goal on my part…or Michael’s either for that matter.

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