The Importance of Communication: What went wrong
Michael got home later than expected on Saturday. It was around dinner time, well, a late dinner. I was happy to see him, but upset that he’d gotten home so late. It wasn’t his fault, it couldn’t be helped. I just needed to accept it because there was nothing either of us could have done to change it. It’s just that I often feel like I wait to see him all week and then I spend Saturday waiting for him to come home when I just want him to be there already. Not that I was actually just waiting around at home all day. Actually, I was gone most of the day myself. But, Michael was supposed to have gone with me. I had managed to have a nice time without him though and even though I had missed him I was in a pretty good mood when he did finally arrive home.
We had dinner and watched a movie with the kids. By the time the movie was over it was time to get the kids off to bed. Unfortunately that wasn’t followed by some time snuggling together and then heading upstairs ourselves. No, Michael had some things he needed to do, things that couldn’t wait. Of course, if he’d gotten home earlier those things would have already been taken care of, but again, that couldn’t be helped. That knowledge didn’t really make me feel any better though.
What I haven’t mentioned yet is that I’d been on edge. You see, Michael sent me an email after reading my Slippery Slope post. It said: “You’ll need the luck! We have things to discuss.” Okay, now ask yourself how you’d feel if that was the message your HOH sent you! Yeah. Not good. I knew I was in trouble. And when Michael arrived home it was obvious that he was very much in Domspace. Is that actually a term? Maybe not, but what I mean is that from the moment he came in the house there was no question who was in charge. Several times he alluded to what was to come later and I went through the rest of the night with butterflies in my stomach. I was nervous about the punishment, but more so I was upset with myself. I’d disappointed him and he was obviously upset. I knew the lecture would be hard, it would be hard for me to hear the hurt and disappointment in his voice. And I knew the punishment to follow wasn’t going to be easy to get through either. But, I longed for what came after all of that, the slate being wiped clean, the chance to start over, the reconnection and closeness. I wished that he’d gotten home Friday night, so we could have dealt with it all then and still had Saturday and Sunday to enjoy together. But, obviously that’s just not how things panned out.
By the time Michael was done with what he needed to do and we headed upstairs to bed it was 2am. I set my alarm for 7:30am and shook my head. I wasn’t going to get enough sleep. I tucked myself in under the covers and Michael rolled over to my side of the bed and asked me if I wanted to come snuggle. After a moment’s hesitation I answered “Not really.” And so he rolled back over to his side of the bed. Not only was he not going to do anything, talk to me, spank, etc., but he wasn’t even going to say anything about it, acknowledge it in any way. I’ve told him how hurtful that is to me. I’ve asked him to please, please talk to me about it when he’s not going to follow through. I mean, I understood why he wasn’t going to do anything at that point. It was 2am and we needed to get some sleep. But, I needed him to take a couple of minutes and talk to me. I’d been anxious about it all day. I’d stayed up rather than go to bed earlier because I didn’t know how he was going to handle things, if he was still planning to address things that night or not. I turned the alarm on my alarm clock off, grabbed my cell phone and my pillow and headed downstairs. I was upset, felt disgusted with him really, and was just plain hurt by his lack of communication. I felt like he’d left me hanging for so long, like I’d had punishment hanging over my head, and now he wasn’t going to follow through and he couldn’t even be bothered to talk with me about it. I set an alarm on my phone and got myself settled in on the couch. It took me awhile to settle down. My breathing was fast and my heartbeat was racing. I started talking myself down and tried to get comfortable. I decided that I’d rather stay downstairs awake all night than go back to bed. I checked the time, 3:30am. Shortly thereafter I finally fell asleep.
My alarm went off far too soon after that and it was time to get up. There were things to do before heading to church. When I went upstairs to find some clothes to wear I didn’t say anything to Michael and avoided eye contact with him. I didn’t want to argue. I knew that I was a mess of emotions just below the surface. He took me aside and told me that he wasn't sure what had happened the night before, but that he was going to leave it alone at that point. He said he wanted to have a nice day with me and asked me if that’s what I wanted too. I nodded my head yes, surprised, but thankful that he was taking that approach. Usually in this type of situation he’d confront me and I would get defensive and probably end up lashing out at him. And then things tend to escalate and what was a mess to begin with turns into a much bigger mess.
We went to church, then out to lunch, and then the road trip began. We were taking our daughter to camp. She’s gone for the week. It’s strange not to have her here, though at this point it just feels like perhaps she spent the night at a friend’s house. By the time we’d left the house yesterday morning I’d managed to talk to Michael and make eye contact. On the way to church I held his hand when he reached out for mine. And in church we sat close, his arm around me. Because he wasn’t pushing me, I was able to gradually relax and we both ended up having a nice day together. I did start to feel a bit anxious late in the day though. I didn’t know how he was going to handle things. Would we just snuggle and go to sleep, would he want to talk about the night before, was he planning to follow through with the lecture and punishment that hadn’t happened? I had no idea.
Note: Sorry, but this post got kind of long and so I decided to break it up into two parts. Tomorrow I will share the rest of the story.