Shaken

We had a great date!  We went to see a movie and then out to a nice restaurant for dinner.  We dressed up a little, casual still really.  I wore a summery dress and Michael wore a nice shirt and shorts.  We walked hand in hand, cuddled during the movie, and held hands across the table at dinner.  There were lots of smiles and kisses and we talked about all sorts of things.  It was so nice and I can’t wait to do it again sometime.

Before heading home we stopped to buy a new printer.  We’d done some research online beforehand and had narrowed down our choices, but we figured we’d make the final determination at the store.  After a bit of looking and comparing, we picked one out and headed home.

When we got home the kids and the dogs greeted us.  It was later than we’d planned to get home and I had to print off some stuff for Sunday morning.  I had wanted to print it out before then, but we were out of ink and Michael decided that instead of buying more ink for the old printer we should just go ahead and buy a new printer.  Michael set to work unhooking the old printer and figuring out the new one while I went online to find the materials we needed to teach the kids on Sunday morning.  After a little frustration we managed to get everything printed.  By this time it was quite late, I was tired, the kids needed to get to bed and really so did we.  I was also upset.  I had been afraid that this was the way the night would go.  What I really wanted to do when we got home from our date was put the kids to bed, snuggle with Michael in front of the television for a little bit and then head up to bed ourselves for a bit of intimacy.  I hadn’t wanted to come home and turn on all the lights, be frustrated trying to print stuff out and then have to figure out what exactly we were doing the next morning.

After the kids were in bed and we had everything figured out for Sunday morning Michael sat down on the couch.  I was ready for bed.  I didn’t want to snuggle on the couch at that point, probably fall asleep and wake up at some point and stumble upstairs.  And so, I said goodnight, gave him a kiss and off I went.  He said he’d be up shortly.  I figured that either I’d be asleep by then anyway or he’d fall asleep on the couch.

I entered our room, shut the door, looked at our bed, and started to cry.  It just hit me that even though Michael was home, I was going to bed alone.  I got myself together, checked on the kids, and got ready for bed.  I was all ready to climb into bed, but I couldn’t.  I didn’t want to sleep in our bed alone.  I sleep in it by myself so much, whenever Michael is away, that I just couldn’t bear the thought of climbing into it alone when he was home.  Now, at this point, clearly I should’ve gone to Michael and clued him in about how I was feeling, but I didn’t do that.  In fact, it really didn’t even occur to me to do that.  I was far too emotional at that point.  Somewhere in my mind was the thought that obviously he didn’t want to sleep with me, didn’t care if we fell asleep in one another’s arms, much less anything else, that obviously he didn’t need me the way I needed him.  And so, I tried to figure out what I was going to do.  If I went downstairs he’d want to know what was wrong and that was a conversation I wasn’t prepared to have.  I found myself wishing we had a guest bedroom I could sleep in, but since we don’t, I made myself a place to sleep on the floor in our bedroom.  I took our comforter and folded it up so I’d have some cushioning to lie on and grabbed my pillow and a blanket.  I cried a bit more and then tried to settle myself down so that I could fall asleep.  I was almost there when I heard something.  Michael was snoring.  He’d fallen asleep on the couch downstairs.  And then the tears started again.  I tried to block out the sound of his snoring and settle myself again and go to sleep, but it was no use.  I sat up and tried to get myself together.  I decided I probably wasn’t going to get any sleep.  Part of me wished he’d come through the door, comfort me and cradle me in his arms, but I knew I’d have to be open to that, I’d have to let him in, and I didn’t know if I could do that.  The other part of me hoped that he wouldn’t come upstairs until after I fell asleep, hoping that I actually would, because I figured he’d be tired and grumpy and not understand and just be upset with me.

I realized that at some point Michael would probably come upstairs and find me lying on the floor instead of in our bed.  And so, I decided to write him a note, an explanation.  It wasn’t long after I finished writing that I couldn’t hear him snoring anymore.  I wondered if he’d just changed position and was still asleep or if he had woken up.  I lay back down and tried to go to sleep, not having to listen to him snoring anymore.  Shortly though, he was in our room and shaking me, wanting me to wake up and come to bed and wanting to know why I was lying on the floor.

The next sequence of events is a bit of a blur.  He wanted to know what was wrong and he can be very persistent.  And so I ended up giving him the note I’d written.  He didn’t say anything after he read it.  I’d retreated back to my spot on the floor, or maybe I hadn’t left it yet at that point, I can’t remember.  He was lying on the bed, obviously very upset.  I didn’t know what to say and he wasn’t saying anything. When we did start talking the conversation didn’t go well.  He was very upset, very hurt, and very angry, or at least that’s how it came across to me.  He said that he felt blindsided, as if I’d been lying to him, only pretending to be happy when instead I’d been sad and lonely.  He said that he thought things were good between us, that we’d just spent several hours together and he thought we’d had a good time.  He didn’t understand how I could keep something like this from him.  I was completely unprepared for his reaction.  I felt attacked.  It had been hard for me to open up to him, to share with him how lonely I’ve often felt lately.  I completely fell apart and decided that I was done, I was done trying to be open and vulnerable, I was done sharing, I was just done.  I took my necklace off and put it in the jewelry bag and box it had come in.  Then I took my engagement ring and wedding ring off and put them in the jewelry box they’d come in.  I took both boxes over to Michael, placed them on his nightstand and told him that I was done.  I said that I didn’t necessarily mean that I was leaving him, but that as far as I was concerned things could go back to how they had been between us.  Then I left him, sitting on his side of the bed, and I went downstairs.

I threw my pillow on the couch and my phone on the end table and practically ran to the bathroom in tears.  I was sobbing uncontrollably.  I don’t remember why I went back upstairs, but I hadn’t been downstairs for long.  Michael tried to console me, but I wouldn’t let him.  He was obviously still very upset and I didn’t feel safe, emotionally speaking.  He didn’t know how to handle that, how to handle me.  I was just feeling too hurt to let him in.  I wanted desperately for things to be okay between us, to be able to go back in time and make sure the night went differently, but what had been done had been done and what had been said had already been said.  Michael managed to soften a bit.  He talked with me and pulled me close.  I let him hold me, feeling unsure and wary.  We talked a bit, both of us calming down.  He handed me the jewelry boxes and told me that they were mine, whatever I decided to do with them, that they hadn’t belonged to him since he’d given them to me.  He went downstairs and got my pillow and phone while I sat and stared at the boxes, unsure what to do with them.  I wanted to open them up and put my necklace and rings back on, but I wasn’t sure if that’s what he wanted.  He had felt that I’d betrayed him, that I’d lied to him, and I couldn’t wrap my head around that.  Somehow I felt like maybe I was unworthy to wear them anymore, that maybe he wouldn’t want me anymore, that perhaps he’d be unable to forgive me, that maybe he wouldn’t be able to love me.  I waited until he came back up and tried to read his face.  I hesitated and then got up and opened up the first jewelry box and I put my rings back on.  Then I opened up the second jewelry box and put my necklace back on.  I turned toward him with a question in my eyes.  He motioned for me to join him in bed.  I went to his side and he pulled me close, I felt my body relax next to his and we fell asleep. 

To be continued…

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