Dazed and Confused
What are we doing, where do we find ourselves now, and where do we go from here?
I’ve been lying low. I had recoiled and withdrawn, hurt and confused. I was hiding not only from Michael, but from myself, and from anything that had to do with ttwd. I needed some time and space to sort out my feelings, to try to get a grasp on the situation. I wanted to be submissive, to be open, to be vulnerable, but I didn’t feel safe, and perhaps I still don’t. I was going through the motions the best I could, but I could feel myself stealing away control, little by little, using it as a shield to protect myself. And yet, what I really wanted was for him to break through that barrier and claim both the control and me as his. But, I was afraid…afraid of his reaction, afraid of provoking his anger and afraid of my own reaction and of releasing the hurt that lie underneath it all. Would I be able to relinquish that control, let him in, give myself over to him? I didn’t know and I was afraid to find out.
We found ourselves at a standstill. There had been little time for just the two of us and we hadn’t really talked about the previous weekend, not that either of us really knew what to say anyway. Michael followed through with maintenance. It didn’t go smoothly, yet it wasn’t a complete disaster either. It just didn’t accomplish much. I almost told him that I thought I needed more, but another part of me worried that could make things worse, drive us even farther apart instead of bringing us together. We were tired, upset, and confused and we both longed for reconciliation. But we knew that nothing was really going to get sorted out, not that night anyway, and so we settled for snuggling and falling asleep in each other’s arms, the love evident between us, a sharp contrast to the space that was now there too, not physically, but emotionally.