A Work in Progress
Before we started doing ttwd Michael and I spent years growing farther and farther apart. Oh, there were times here and there when we’d feel close again for a little while, but that happened less and less. The chasm that had opened up between us grew wider and wider until we were both at a point where we could conceive of not being together anymore. It wasn’t something that happened overnight and it’s not something that’s going to be resolved overnight either. It’s very much a work in progress and there have certainly been ups and downs in the past 10 months that we've been doing ttwd. There have been steps forward and steps backward. At times we’ve been right on track and other times we’ve veered off course. Sometimes things have gone quite smoothly and other times the road has been very bumpy. But, we are working on it, together, and overall we are making progress.
As you probably know if you’ve been reading here, a couple of weekends ago Michael and I went through a rough patch. What happened opened up past hurts bringing feelings to the surface that had long been buried. As such, it’s taken awhile to process and start to move past it, but we’re working on it and in fact are in a much better place now. We had a wonderful weekend. We had a great time with some friends and we had some time to ourselves as well. We were able to relax and reconnect. I was able to say some things that I needed to say to Michael. It was hard for him to hear, but I was able to release that deep hurt that I’d been holding onto so tightly and he held me as I cried and let it out.
Not only did we reconnect on an emotional level, but a physical one as well. Michael was tempted to be gentle with me because of how emotional I was feeling, but I needed to feel his dominance. He asked me what I wanted and I told him that I wanted to feel owned. In an instant his mouth was on mine and he had assumed control over the situation, over me. He made sure that there was no question in my mind whom I belonged to and just what that meant. There was a reconnect spanking this weekend as well, which was rather intense, the remnants of which I can still feel.
Something that has been brought to the surface recently is my tendency to distance. Honestly this was something that had become so second nature to me that I didn’t even realize I was doing it. I mean, I’ve read about distancing being one of the no no’s in DD and how some of you have struggled with it. But, I really didn’t think it was something I had a problem with. Oh how wrong I was. As it turns out I’ve been a pro at distancing myself emotionally from Michael. The reasons for that are varied and are partly due to my own messed up thinking, but also partly due to Michael’s responses and reactions previously when I had been open emotionally with him. I’m not sure how we got to the point where we really didn’t share anything with one another and only communicated when and what was needed, but that’s where we found ourselves. Suffice it to say it was something that had happened over time. We had gotten to the point that we were both very independent people. Michael was gone all week and took care of himself and his business. I was home with the kids and took care of myself and them. Then on the weekend Michael and I would try to come together, more for the kids and a sense of being a family unit than anything else I think. Not surprisingly that often didn’t go so well. Essentially we ended up living separate lives. And that's something we've been working on changing since we started doing ttwd, but I don't think either of us realized just how ingrained some of our patterns of behavior had become. The issues that need to be addressed are far deeper than what you see on the surface.
During one of our talks this weekend Michael told me that he wants me to turn toward him, instead of turning away from him. I agreed that it’s something that needs to change, but I also reminded him that it took time for things to get to the point they had and changing it wasn’t something that was going to happen overnight. The reality is, I’ve been turning away from him instead of turning toward him for years now. It’s like the default setting at this point. I was honest with him and told him that I don’t trust him not to hurt me emotionally and that makes it hard for me to be open and vulnerable. That was really hard for me to say, to admit, and I’m sure it was even harder for him to hear, but it’s true. That trust was broken down over time and it will take some time to rebuild it. As I work on being more open and coming to him with things (my feelings, things that maybe I could use some help with, etc.) and as he works on being more receptive and open to me when I come to him, that trust will slowly be rebuilt. So, we both have things to work on. Oh, and for a bit of incentive…distancing is now a punishable offense…he specifically mentioned the hairbrush. Admittedly, it’s the sort of motivation I probably need. There have been many times since we started doing ttwd that I’ve thought about coming to him with something and I’ve talked myself out of it. And I imagine that it would be easy to continue to do so without consequences in place.
I’ve been unable to bring myself to read many blog posts. I’m not entirely sure why. I guess perhaps it’s because I’ve been trying to get a handle on my own situation, my own stuff, and I just haven’t had the emotional energy left over to read about others journeys right now. It feels like Michael and I are digging into meatier issues in our marriage and while that can be really hard, I think our efforts will pay off. Anyway, I hope that you're doing well and I’m sorry I haven’t been around as much. Hopefully soon I'll feel up to reading more and I'll be able to get caught up, because I'm certainly a bit behind at this point.