Way Back When: Deciding to Follow His Lead

The year was 1999.  Michael’s father was ill, seriously so.  At the time we were living about 1800 miles away, Michael and I and our daughter, who had just turned 3.  Michael and I were not in a good place in our marriage.  We loved each other, but there was a lot of stress and in a lot of ways we were living separate lives.  Michael was working full time and I was working part time, and my mom cared for our daughter when I was working.  I was happy living where we were, but Michael wanted to move to be near his father, to spend whatever time he had left with him.  While I sympathized with him, I didn’t want to move.  But I knew what I needed to do.  I needed to support my husband.  And so I agreed to move.  It wasn’t a decision I was happy about, but I knew it was the right decision.

Shortly before we were to move, we got the call.  Michael’s dad was in the hospital and going downhill fast.  Panic ensued and we were on a plane that evening.  My parents and sister took care of packing up the rest of our apartment and putting our stuff in storage for us because we had already given notice and needed to be out.  Michael’s father came home from the hospital with hospice care and we only had a few days with him before he passed away.  Everything happened so quickly.

I assumed that after the funeral and whatever needed to be taken care of was taken care of, we’d go back home.  We’d need to find a new place to live, but all of our stuff was in storage and we could stay with my parents while we looked.  But Michael and I weren’t on the same page about that.  His father had just died and he was distraught.  He felt like he couldn’t leave.  I was hurt and angry and didn’t understand.  His father was gone, why did we need to stay?  For background, Michael’s mom and dad divorced when he was a teen, so it wasn’t like he wanted to stay to be sure his mom was okay.

It was then I had a choice to make.  I really, really, really wanted to go home.  I hadn’t wanted to move to begin with and as far as I could see, there was no reason to stay there.  We had a life, friends, my family and a church family to return to.  I was pretty sure I could get my job back and if not, I was certainly going to be able to find one more easily back home and the same was true for Michael.  So why on earth would we stay there instead of returning?  And yet, that’s exactly what Michael wanted to do…no, it was more that that…it’s what he felt he needed to do.  I was at a loss.  My husband had just lost his father.  I couldn’t just take our daughter and leave.  I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did that and I knew what that would do to him.  I didn’t want to stay, but I knew he didn't want to leave.

Back then we were playing around with D/s.  Actually, we had been since very early on in our relationship.  I saying playing around with because it wasn’t the way we lived; it was just something we did to spice things up in the bedroom.  I did belong to a Christian D/s forum online though.  And so I knew that for some people it was a way of life, 24/7, instead of a playful excursion, like it was for us.  And the more upset and helpless I felt about the situation I found myself in, the more I thought about the concept of submission, true submission.  I did some reading online and I checked out what my Bible had to say as well.  Little by little I realized that I needed to submit to my husband, not just in the bedroom, but in life.  And so, I agreed to stay.  Michael flew back home and loaded up a moving truck and drove our things out and we put them in storage while we lived with his mom and looked for a new place to call home.

I don’t think he realized what I was going through at that time, but that’s because he was going through so much himself.  I tried to be there for him the best that I could, but sometimes it was hard to hide the hurt and anger I was feeling inside.  Somehow we made it through and several months later, after we were in our own place again, I brought up the idea of DD to him.  It was something that I’d read about online.  We agreed to try it out, but we didn’t have a lot of support and I don’t think we really understood it and what a big commitment it required.  And so, over time, little by little, it fell by the wayside.  However, it did bring us closer together, even though we didn’t stick with it long term.  And there were some changes in our relationship that lived on after the discipline aspect faded away.  But, for the most part, we went back to just enjoying D/s in the bedroom.

DD didn’t make its way back into our marriage until last fall.  It was another time when we desperately needed a tool to use to bring us back together.  We had drifted apart, allowing life to come between us.  We were at a make it or break it point in our marriage and we both knew it.  DD isn’t a trial this time around though.  We’ve fully embraced it.  Will I say that this is always the way we’ll live?  No, I can’t say that because I can’t predict the future.  But, I do hope that we’ll live this way for as long as it has a positive influence on our relationship, for as long as it’s a good fit for us.  We’ve both committed to that, but more so, we’re committed to one another.


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