Fogged in


I woke up with a headache this morning.  And I feel like I’m in a bit of a fog today.  We had a nice weekend, celebrated Father’s Day, and then last night I fell apart.  My guess is that I’d simply been holding it together for too long, holding things in.  It’s a bad habit of mine though I’ve done a lot better with it since we started doing ttwd.  But, old habits die hard and honestly, I didn't even realize that’s where I was headed.  I never saw it coming and I don’t think Michael did either.

When we went up to bed last night he put on ESPN, a sure sign that he’s planning to spank me.  I didn’t want any part of it.  I wanted to snuggle and go to sleep.  He didn’t understand why I was being so resistant.  I didn’t really either, but I clearly had a wall up.  He tried to talk to me, but I didn’t want to talk.  And when I finally did start talking it wasn’t with the most respectful tone.  By this time he was clearly less than pleased with me and it turned into a confrontation (not a physical one, mind you).  Soon I was in tears and telling him how I felt like a failure.  He wasn’t happy with what I was saying because he doesn’t like me to think or talk badly about myself.  Before long I was in full meltdown mode and Michael tried to hold me and comfort me, but that wall was still up.  He seemed confused and hurt that I wouldn’t let him in.  He wanted to lie on the bed and hold me tight and that just made me feel worse, I think because I would’ve just been going through the motions.

At some point I decided I was going to sleep on the couch.  He decided there was no way that was happening.  I got up to go downstairs and he blocked my way.  I shoved him, he pulled me close and held me tight.  When he let go I tried to circumvent him, still intent on going downstairs.  Honestly, by this point I needed him to reel me back in.  I was tired and an emotional wreck.  He ended up bending me over the bed, pulling down my pj’s and spanking me.  I fought him a little at first, but he held me in place and repositioned me when I managed to move out of position a bit.  It wasn’t a long spanking, but he certainly made his point, no implement necessary.  Afterward, we cuddled and kissed and fell asleep.

I make his role hard for him sometimes, and last night was one of those times.  We were both tired when we went up to bed and he was just going to do what he felt he should do, whether it was maintenance or stress relief or whatever, and I fought him on it.  And instead of talking to him about things I let my emotions take over and made a mess of it.  To tell you the truth, it still feels a bit unresolved.

Tomorrow morning our daughter will have a minor medical procedure.  It’s not a big deal, a scope of sorts to check and see how she’s doing.  She’s had it done twice before, once in 2010 and once last year and it’s time to have it done again.  It would be nice if Michael could be there with us, but that’s not possible.  I’m sure it will go fine and hopefully the news will be good.

I’m hoping that this week will be pretty low key, at least for the most part.  And at this point we don’t have anything on the calendar for this coming weekend other than church Sunday morning.  After being away the last four weekends that’s a welcome change.  

I miss Michael.  I’ve been quite spoiled lately, having him around a lot more.  The house feels so empty today, without him and my parents and nephew.  I’ll get back into the swing of things though, back into the normal routine.  And hey, it’s summer (well almost, technically speaking) and there will be time to relax in the pool and go for walks and bike rides and play tennis and who knows what all else.  And I know that despite the fog I find myself in today, this too shall pass and I’ll be enjoying sunny skies again soon.

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