If you read my previous post, then you know that DD is on hold for us right now. The truth of it is, I withdrew my consent. We’ve been riding this emotional roller coaster, or at least I have, and essentially I was saying “Stop the ride, I’m getting off!”
I sent Michael an email Monday morning. I told him that I didn’t want to do this anymore. I told him that if he still wanted to lead our family that I would respect that. I said that I was still willing to submit to him, but that things would have to be a bit different. I told him that as far as I was concerned DD was off the table. I said that I appreciated all that we had learned and the growth we’d experienced from incorporating DD into our relationship and that we didn’t have to lose those things. I said that we could build on that growth, but that we’d just have to figure out a new way to resolve issues and reconnect. I admitted my part in things going south and I apologized. I told him how much I love him. And yes, I told him that I was withdrawing my consent for DD.
My mood was all over the place on Monday really. On the one hand I felt relieved, as if a weight had been lifted. On the other hand, I felt a sense of loss and sadness. And I was wondering how Michael was feeling. That night I asked him and he told me that at first he was angry, very angry; actually I believe the word he used was furious. Then he said he realized that he was really angry with himself, not me. But, by the time I talked to him he said that mostly he was just feeling really down and he apologized for failing me. I told him that he hadn’t failed me, that we had failed each other. We talked a little bit that night, but he was emotionally and physically exhausted and I felt like I was walking on eggshells. Before heading to bed, I wrote him another email. I tried to explain things from my point of view, what had happened, what had led us to this point. I was hoping to open up more of a dialog. I also admitted that a part of me didn’t want to do away with DD, but that I was glad that it was off the table right now because I didn’t know if I could handle it, the emotional ups and the downs that is.
Tuesday morning I woke up feeling a lot better. You’d have thought the sun was shining and there was a nice blue sky with some fluffy white clouds floating in it, the temperature was warm and the birds were singing. But no, it was grey and rainy and cool, and I’m pretty sure the birds were sleeping in. And yet, my outlook was bright. Michael seemed to be feeling a bit better too. We communicated more throughout the day, not a lot, but most of Monday there had been little to no communication between the two of us. Michael needed time to process and sort out his feelings and I had turned to a good friend, who really helped me think through things. More than anything I just needed someone to listen, and she did that and more, and I’m grateful.
Most of Tuesday my mood stayed lifted. I didn’t know what the future would bring, but I was prepared to follow my husband’s lead. I was thinking that perhaps this rough patch we were going through would help us sort out what was really important to us, that it would help us to focus our time, energy and attention on those things and push other things into the background or perhaps even weed out some things altogether. I was thinking of it as an opportunity for growth, to mature a bit in our walk, and perhaps find some balance as well. But when Michael and I talked Tuesday night, the tears started to flow. I think more than anything I just missed my husband; I wanted to know that things were going to be okay, reassurance I guess, and I wished I could just melt into his embrace. We talked for awhile and I wasn’t really sure how I felt about things when we got off the phone. He assured me that he intends to continue leading our family and he mentioned that while he thought we did need the break, that it would be just that, a break, not an end to DD. The fact that he still wants to lead our family made me feel better, but the part about DD, well, that just made me feel nervous, anxious. And that has very little to do with the actual act of spanking and everything to do with the emotional aspect.
Note: Everything to this point in the post I wrote yesterday morning, the rest I wrote this morning, Thursday that is. Let's fast forward to last night, Wednesday evening…
We’d talked and emailed more and we’d both read through all the wonderful responses to my blog post. Thanks so much to all of you who commented, emailed, etc. : ) The kids and I went to church Wednesday evening, as we always do, and Michael was waiting for us at home when we got back. I was really happy to see him, but a little on edge too. I wasn’t really sure how the evening would go. I wasn’t sure if he really understood how hurt I’d felt and why and I didn’t know if he’d want to talk or not.
After the kids went to bed we sat and snuggled for a little bit, just enjoying one another's company. But then it was time to talk. Michael started off with a heartfelt apology. It was clear that he understood and was truly sorry for hurting me. I thanked him and asked him some questions. We talked for about an hour and were feeling much better, much closer. We got ready for bed and lay next to one another. I thanked Michael for apologizing and being so sweet and hinted that perhaps I’d like things to move on from there. All I said was “but” and I paused and looked at him and he knew. How is it that he knows me so well sometimes and yet other times he doesn’t seem to have a clue? I suppose that’s true of me with him as well though.
It seemed as though he was taking back his wife, reclaiming me, reasserting his authority. I’d not gone anywhere really, but I welcomed his dominance. He started off slowly, gently, his hands trailing over my body and that led to us dancing our dance together. There was also a bit of spanking, which I didn’t fight, but my brain struggled to process it. Was this erotic? It didn't really feel like it. It felt like it had more purpose than that. But, I’d withdrawn consent for DD. Earlier I had joked with him that if he wanted it back, he’d have to ask and I said that I was picturing him down on one knee, like he was proposing; only I wasn’t sure what he’d have in his hand…perhaps an implement instead of a ring? The mental image had me giggling. It had been a welcome bit of levity in an otherwise serious conversation. After we had danced our dance he held me close for a little while, but then he rolled me over and started spanking. There weren't many swats and I didn't fight him, but afterward I said to him “But, I didn’t give you consent.” His reply took me by surprise, he said that in fact I had, every step of the way, the entire evening. Those weren't his exact words. I've forgotten exactly how he said it. But, I realized that he was right. I hadn’t actually said the words, but I had consented.
And so, now we’re back on track. We’ve reconnected, DD has been restored, maintenance included. Michael said that maintenance will be every Saturday night, come hell or high water, or something like that. We’ll see. I know he has good intentions and he seems to understand the importance of it now, but the proof is in the pudding as they say.
Today I feel content. I'm not on edge anymore. And I'm looking forward to this weekend. I think we're going to open our pool, a sure sign that summer is on the way.