I know it’s only been a short time, but for now at least, the inconsistency is gone and consistency reigns.  Hallelujah?  I’m not so sure.  Okay, don’t get me wrong, I feel loved and cared for and all those wonderful things, but, well I guess I’m struggling a bit with the lack of control.

I have something to admit.  I was part of the problem when Michael was struggling with inconsistency.  You see, I’d go up to bed and climb under the covers and snuggle in and try to look as if I was about to fall asleep even if perhaps I wasn’t quite there yet.  Since he would be tired himself that was the extra little bit he needed to decide that he didn’t really need to spank me.  I was being manipulative.  I was enabling him.  I was sending him mixed signals, complaining about his lack of consistency and then essentially encouraging him not to follow through.  I was discouraging him when I should have been encouraging him.  I’d tell myself that I was doing it for him.  And, in part, I was.  I didn’t want to be the one keeping him up when he clearly needed to get some sleep.  But, I think I was also doing it as a way to try to maintain some control over how things played out too.  :(

Now that Michael has been unwavering, and embracing the motto “When in doubt, spank it out!”  I find myself sometimes feeling quite differently about being spanked.  This weekend, when it was time for maintenance, I certainly tried to sway him.  No, I didn’t crawl under the covers and seem almost asleep, but I did tell him that it was okay if we didn’t do it, etc.  It was no use though, his mind was mind was made up, he stood firm.  The thing is, I really didn’t want to be spanked.  What happened to that inner spanko?  And as such I had a hard time staying still.  Then I really sealed my fate.  I almost reached my hand back while he was using the wooden paddle.  And when I say almost, what I mean is, I did actually reach back, but I stopped just before my hand reached the danger zone.  To say that Michael was less than pleased is an understatement.  He issued a stern warning and backed it up with several much harder smacks with the wooden paddle.  If I had thought it hurt before, if I had thought it was hard to take, if I had thought it was hard to hold my position already, well, he showed me that wasn’t anything in comparison.  I’m still feeling the remnants of those last smacks today.  He made sure that I was okay and let me calm down for a few minutes.  Then he had me lie on the bed and he got out the flogger and started using it on me, mostly on my back and thighs.  That helped me calm down further, but I was still upset.  I just wasn’t sure who I was upset with more, him or myself.

I knew he was only spanking me because it was scheduled maintenance.   And I knew it was wrong to reach my hand back and that I deserved those last few harder smacks.  But, I was struggling nonetheless.  So, I asked him to talk to me.  We both stood up and he wrapped me in an embrace, kissed me and then sat on the edge of the bed.  I knelt on the floor in front of him and leaned my head against him.  He took me by the chin and lifted my face up and looked me in the eyes and started to talk to me.  He told me how well I’d been doing with some things and he said he was proud of me.  He talked to me about the things I need to work on more and told me what he wants me to concentrate on this week.  He also talked about why it’s so important that I never, ever reach my hand back like that again.  He said that first of all, I could get really hurt.  There are many implements that will only cause temporary discomfort to my bottom, but that could do much more damage to my hand.  He said that he didn’t want me to get hurt, that it could mean a trip to the ER and possibly the police getting involved if they decided that he was responsible.  My eyes grew wide as he was talking.  I knew that I was risking injury by putting my hand back, but I never thought about how it may end up affecting him.  Not only would he feel badly because he’d hurt me (even if it was my fault and not his), but even the thought that someone might think he was abusing me, well, that would be just awful!  I realize that some people will never understand ttwd, but Michael would never, ever abuse me!  He wanted to know if I understood and I told him that I did and I apologized.  I will try very hard to never do that again now that I realize how serious it really could end up being.

You’d think that would be that, but my emotions managed to get the best of me.  I was upset that I’d tried to talk him out of maintenance, that I struggled to hold my position and that I reached my hand back and obviously upset him so much.  And then, because my emotions were already over the top, I was upset that I was upset.  Good grief Charlie Brown.  *sigh*  I was afraid that Michael wouldn’t want to do this anymore, that I discouraged him with my attitude and behavior, that I was that word that he hates, a burden.  He held me and soothed me as the tears flowed, assuring me that my emotions had just gotten the best of me and that I didn’t need to worry about any of that.  I calmed down and he kissed me and told me how much he loves me.  I told him that I love him too, so much more than I can even describe.  And we headed off to dreamland together.

I will say that I'm feeling very secure.  I love that he’s following through, being consistent.  Well, now that it's after the fact I'm happy about it.  I wasn't so happy about it beforehand and I certainly was less than thrilled during.  I have some things to work on though, like giving up that control that I hadn’t even really realized that I’d been trying so hard to take back.  But, all in all, we're finding our way together, and I'm quite content.  :)


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