Reassurance


Michael arrived home late Monday evening and I felt strangely clingy to him as we lay in bed together, falling asleep.  I kept making him promise that he’d still be here when I woke up in the morning.  It was like I was afraid it was a dream and I was going to wake up and realize that he hadn’t come home after all.  I know…silly, right?

Tuesday morning I woke up and there he was, lying on his side, facing away from me, catching up on emails and such on his phone.  He hadn’t gotten up because he wanted to be there for me when I woke up.  He didn’t want me to wake up feeling distressed and wondering if he was indeed home or not.  When he noticed me stirring he came over, gave me a kiss, and said “I’m right here sweetheart.”  What a lovely way to start the day!

Yesterday was filled with a lot of little acts of dominance and submission.  It was just what I needed.  Truthfully I’d been feeling a bit shaken.  I didn’t trust that this was really the way things were and that they’d remain that way.  I’ve struggled with feeling insecure about this aspect of our relationship recently.  And yesterday did a lot to reassure me.  Michael was loving and firm and yet still playful and easy going.  How he manages to blend all of that together, I don’t know, but when he does, it’s wonderful.

It was one of those days where there were a few swats here and there all day long, some light and playful, some a bit more forceful with a message to get across.  There were a couple in the kitchen as he walked past me, those were light.  Then he pulled me into the bathroom and grabbed the bath brush to deliver a little more forceful message.  And then there was when he rolled me over on the bed and started rubbing and pinching and kneading and pinking my bottom up, very playful and erotic.  And then later on, the Loopy Johnny made an appearance as I gripped the blanket and struggled to be quiet and stay in position.  And such is the way the day went.  He would grab my hand and refuse to let it go until he was ready.  His hands roamed my body, exploring every last bit of it.  I never knew when to expect a soft caress or a slap or pinch. 

And today, he’s gone again, but I feel much calmer, much more secure.  I’m in a much better head space and am able to just accept ttwd again.   I’m not holding back because I’m questioning whether Michael is really committed to living this way.  I’m not wondering if this is something that we’re going to stick with or if this was just a trial run after all.  I also know that what works for us now may not work for us as some point.  I’m sure that ttwd will morph and change over time and as for whether it will be the way we always live, who knows.  Sometimes I read someone saying that they will never live another way.  Never is a dangerous word.  I don’t know what the future will bring, do you?  But, I’m not going to worry about that.  Instead I’m going to try to learn from the past, live for today, and look forward to the future, whatever it brings.

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