Nothing to Offer

That’s kind of how I feel right now, like I have nothing to offer.  I’ve been reading blog posts, but I haven’t commented too much lately.  I’ve hardly written anything to post on my own blog so far this month.  I’m not sure if I just don’t feel like I have anything to say or if it’s more that I feel like what I have to say maybe isn’t worth saying.

Life has been stressful and I’m feeling drained.  My energy is low…I’ve been running a low grade fever for some reason…I hurt my foot and it doesn’t seem to be getting better with rest and ice, so I’m headed to the doctors tomorrow… I got on a scale and found out that I've gained 15 lbs since I stopped going to Zumba last year, but I can’t just start going again because of my foot…my daughter is feeling a lot better thankfully, but we still have no answers as to what’s going on with her…okay, enough whining, I imagine you get the picture.

I’m also feeling confused about DD and whether it really has a place in our life or not.  I’m questioning Michael’s commitment to living this way.  I know that he wants the D/s aspect, as in he’s the HOH and I’m submissive to him.  But, I’m not so sure he really wants the DD aspect.  I think he sees the benefits and it makes sense to him, but I'm not sure if he really wants to be bothered with it.  I realize that it does take a lot of energy, that it’s a big commitment, and that he struggles with consistency.  I have to wonder if that’s because he’d really rather not do it.  I’ve mentioned to him several times recently that maybe we should forgo DD, take it out of the picture completely.  He says no, that’s not what he wants, that’s not going to happen.  I don’t know how I feel about it honestly.  We haven’t actually sat down and had a serious discussion about it at this point.

Monday night I was exhausted.  Michael had planned on spanking me after the kids were asleep, but he decided to let me off because I was so tired.  As it turned out, I was too unsettled to fall asleep and he ended up spanking me.  I’m not really sure if it was maintenance, stress relief, a reconnect, was there a touch of punishment thrown in the mix too?  But, something Michael said really struck me.  He said that he can’t just be nice to me (ie. letting me off the hook), that I need him to be firm with me all the time.  I didn’t say anything at the time, but I thought about it quite a bit after the fact.  I don’t agree, but I can see why he’d feel that way and so I sent him an email.  In it I admitted that I do like it when he has that firm control over me.  It helps me to relax and not feel so stressed, it’s freeing in a way.  And yes, it excites me too.  But, I don’t agree that he can’t be nice to me.  I told him that I think when he’s been inconsistent and I’m in a place where I don’t trust that he’s in control or even that he wants to be, then yes, it can make things worse if he’s “nice” to me by letting me off the hook.  I said that I think if he’s being consistent with me then I’ll be able to see him being nice to me for what it is and not be tempted to feel like he’d just rather not follow through, like I’m too high maintenance, like I’m bother or a burden.

I told him that I'm confused about what he really wants.  I said that I’m not sure where my boundaries lie; that I know there are many things that have been "rules" for months now, but that they don't seem so much like rules to me anymore.  I said that maybe it’s just me and maybe he thinks everything is going along just fine.  I said that I really don't know how he feels or what he wants.  I told him that what he tells me he wants, doesn’t always jive with his actions.  And yes, I realize that he’s not perfect and of course neither am I.  He responded by saying that he understands why I feel the way I do and that we’ll talk about it soon.  He should be home tomorrow night, so perhaps we’ll discuss it then?  I don’t know.  *shrug*

Hmmm, for a post that started off with me saying that I wasn’t sure I had anything to say, this has gotten long.  Maybe this post was something that I didn’t really want to write, but perhaps I needed to write it.  Anyway, hopefully I’ll be feeling better soon.  I think that will help everything.  I went to bed early last night and slept in quite late this morning and now its lunch time and I feel like I could take a nap.  Ugh.  That is really out of the norm for me.  I guess it’s good I’m headed to the doctors tomorrow.


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