And the Walls Came Tumbling Down

Last night was messy.  I had a meltdown, facilitated in part by an adult beverage.  But, the reality is I needed to let some things out and I’d been really struggling doing so.  Though we had talked, my walls were still up.  Oh, maybe they weren’t as high or as thick, but they were still there.

I cried, he held me, and we talked.  Well, I typed on my phone and then I’d show it to him and he’d reply verbally.  Sometimes I get to a point emotionally where I just can’t talk, but there are things that need to be communicated and so I’ll write.

I think we sorted out how we got to the point we find ourselves now.  You see, it wasn’t all that long ago that Michael stepped things up quite a bit.  It was a big adjustment for both of us.  It seemed like a good thing at the time, but it grew to be overwhelming, especially for Michael.  It was taking a lot of time and energy and focus.  And the fact of the matter is, he’s not home that much and when he is home he’s pulled in many different directions.  It was hard for him to maintain that level of leadership while he was home, much less when he was away.  Let’s face it, while he misses the kids and I when he’s gone, his focus is on work.

Anyway, I think he got to a point where it was all too much and so he stepped back...WAY back.  He didn't just step back to where he'd been before he'd stepped things up more, he stepped back further than that.  And that left me feeling confused, abandoned, and rejected.  Mind you, there's been a lot going on, and so I think that neither of us even realized just how much things had changed between us until the dust started to settle.  Our focus wasn’t on the dynamic between the two of us because we were worried about our daughter and I haven’t been feeling great, etc.  I honestly don't think he even realized just how much he'd backed off.  And I hadn't realized how hurt I felt inside or how big those walls were that I'd erected to protect myself and to keep him at bay.

These things all came out last night, which is a good thing, but it was really difficult and very emotional for both of us.  Finally I asked him (still typing on my phone) "What do YOU want?"  And I got the answer that I suspected...he said "That's probably a big part of the problem.  I don't know."  And that's where we left things last night.  It was late and we were tired.  We snuggled and fell asleep, no walls between us anymore.  And that felt really good, feels really good actually.  Communication IS key.

Where we go from here I don't know, but at least we'll be headed there together.  He needs to sort out what he really wants because if we just push ahead regardless, it's not going to work.  And so, I’ll give him some time and space to figure that out.  I guess you could say that things are in limbo right now, but I’m okay with that.  The path we follow is up to us and the most important thing to me is that we’re on this journey together.


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