…he knows me better than I know myself. I had a headache. I took some advil, had some water, and lay down for a little while. I was feeling a bit better when I got up, but then I started to feel worse again. When Michael called and asked how I was, how my day was going, I told him that I was good except for a headache that wouldn’t go away. He asked me if I had a migraine. I said no, I didn’t think so. We talked for a few minutes, and then got off the phone because I was feeling worse. I walked from the brightly lit dining room into the dimly lit bathroom and realized that instantly I felt a little better. Instead of turning a light on, I decided to see how total darkness felt and that was even better. Now I felt like an idiot.
I’d been downstairs in the bright light with the noise of the kids and music and I felt better when I went upstairs to our quiet bedroom with the curtains closed. Then I came back down into the bright light and noise and I started feeling worse. And yet I didn’t realize that this was a migraine? Ugh. That was Michael’s first thought and yet even when he mentioned it I dismissed it at first. How is it that sometimes he’s more in tune with my body than I am? Good question.
You see, the thing is, I have some health issues. I seem to be collecting them actually. My immune system and I don’t seem to get along. The occasional migraines aren’t a big deal for me really though. Thankfully I don’t have them all that often and they aren’t nearly as debilitating for me as I know they are for some people. But due to all that I do have going on health wise, a coping mechanism of mine is to tune things out. Being able to minimize or ignore my body’s signals is a mixed blessing. I may have to slow down sometimes, but not much stops me. When it comes right down to it, I’m a fighter. I refuse to be a victim or to be seen as weak, by myself or anyone else. But sometimes I get in my own way. I’m too busy pushing on and being strong to stop and take care of myself sometimes. Michael’s learned over the years to read me and he often points out things that I’ve completely overlooked or decided to ignore…like the fact that my headache was probably a migraine and unless I took some meds and took care of myself it probably wasn’t going to go away. I would’ve figured it out eventually, but he often sees these things sooner than I do because he’s looking out for me, taking care of me, while I’m busy looking the other way and pressing on.
I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned health related stuff on my blog before. It’s a big part of my life and it’s a small part of my life. It’s made my life challenging at times and yet it’s been a blessing in some ways as well. When faced with challenges in life you can deal with them head on and try to overcome them or you can give in and let them take over. While there have been times when I’ve let them take over briefly, needing a little time to process and fall apart a bit, that’s not who I am and that’s not the path I choose. I’ve learned a lot about myself and about others. I’ve realized what’s really important in my life and I’ve grown a lot. I’ve also learned how to let loose more and be like a kid again and just enjoy life. I’ve been able to reach out to others who are dealing with the same or similar things, being a support to them and in return also gaining support for myself. In my life outside of blogland I’m very open about my health conditions, not that I talk about them all the time or anything, but it's not something I hide, generally speaking. And so sometimes people seek me out. It’s a little strange at times honestly, but overall it’s been a good thing for both me, and I hope for them as well. As I think many of us can relate to, a support system can be such a big help in many areas of life. I’ve seen how worried and scared Michael has been at times, when I’ve gone through a difficult time or I've gotten a new diagnosis or new symptoms arise. I know just how much he loves me and cares about me. He’s busy being my rock, my safe place, but I know that underneath it all he worries about me. He just doesn't let me see that side of him most of the time. Sometimes I wish he didn't worry, but that’s what we do when we love someone, and I worry about him too.
I do want to say, just in case someone reading this is freaked out now (talking about health stuff does that to some people…and I can understand that), overall I’m doing quite well and I’m so thankful for that. There was a time when I was so scared and I cried out to God and an interesting thing happened. I felt his presence. There was a calm that came over me and I felt him tell me that it was going to be okay. That might sound very strange to you, but it was very real to me. I went from being anxious and worried and very upset to feeling a peace settle over me. Now, I realize, God’s idea of okay isn’t necessarily my idea of okay. But, I hold onto that promise and trust that he has a plan. Sure, sometimes I let things get to me when I really shouldn't; I am only human after all. But I know that whatever happens he is in control, he has his hand on my life. Whatever comes, it will be okay.