…on a weekend gone bad.

I’ve thought a lot about this past weekend and Michael and I have talked about it too.  I received so many comforting and encouraging comments, so thank you.

I wrote Michael an email.  I wanted to explain, apologize, and let him know how much I appreciate him.  I’ve changed it a little to be able to post it here, taking out some details, rewording just a touch, but essentially it’s the same.

I know I've already apologized for this weekend, but I want you to know how truly sorry I am and that I've been thinking a lot about it, what happened and why.

Friday I was just so stressed out.  I mean, the first thing that popped into my head when our daughter described her symptoms was something serious.  I looked it up to see if there was anything she could do that might help if it was that, but there really wasn't.  Basically from that point on I was in a panic internally.  I realize that if that is what’s going on, it isn't the end of the world.  But, I just don't want her to have to deal with that.  And of course then going to urgent care and being sent to the ER was also stressful.  I mean, we were there way too long, they kept asking the same questions over and over again, and meanwhile she's still in pain and we're no closer to getting answers.  I was glad that the tests they did turned out okay, but I hadn't really thought that was the problem anyway.  Then they sent us on our way with no answers and without even giving us any suggestions for ways to ease her symptoms.

I was so glad that you made it home Friday night and I was really happy to see you.  I don't know if you realized that though because I probably didn't show that to you.  By then I was basically consumed by stress and fear and frustration.  My walls were up and I wasn't letting anyone in.  At the same time, I didn't really want to be that way.  I wanted to be able to lean on you.  I wanted to let you in.  But, I just didn't even know how.  Anytime I even let myself think about things, about the possibilities, I'd end up in tears, so how was I going to talk to you about it?  I was afraid that I'd fall completely apart if I let you in.

For whatever reason, I decided I was alone.  I guess because I was the one to have to deal with things on Friday and because I knew I'd be the one to have to deal with them again on Monday and beyond.  I knew that any drs appts, tests, possibly having to push to get some answers, would all fall on me.  And so I felt that I had to stay strong.  I felt like I couldn't afford to rely on you because I needed to be able to handle it on my own.  And that meant keeping those walls up and keeping you out.

All of my thinking was flawed and I realize that now, but it's where I was at the time.  It was part and parcel of being so stressed out and emotional.  I needed you and yet I wouldn't let you in, I wouldn't lean on you, I wouldn't let you help me.  But, you were there for me anyway, as often and as hard as I tried to push you away, you remained by my side.  I'm not sure if it was because you knew that I didn't want to be like that, but that I just didn't know how else to deal with things or what.  Thank you.  You have no idea how much it meant to me, means to me.  And I want you to know that I'm so sorry, for not letting you in, for not allowing you to help me, and for being totally disrespectful to you.  I know I can't go back in time and change things, but I hope to make it up to you and to learn from this so that hopefully I won't go down that road again.

I love you SO much.

This was Michael’s response...

First of all, I'm glad I made it home.  I knew you'd be a wreck.  I'm glad it's over (the weekend that is).  I love you and I knew no matter how you acted, you needed to feel my strong presence around you.  I knew at some point you'd let me help you and I wanted to be there when you were ready.
Have I mentioned lately what a wonderful, amazing, supportive, loving husband I have?  And he’s obviously not nearly as verbose as I tend to be.  lol 

Interestingly enough, I’ve felt much more submissive since I finally let him in Sunday evening.  I think part of it is because I let myself lean on his strength and he enveloped me with love.  Also, he continues to prove to me that I can trust him.  He’s there for me, no matter what.  And I want to show him that in spite of my attitude and behavior this past weekend, I do respect him, immensely.  In fact, I’ve wanted to reply “Yes, Sir” to him more often.  I don’t often say “Sir” except in person, and when we’re alone or not likely to be overheard.  I stopped myself from saying it over the phone this week though because I wasn’t alone and would’ve been overheard.  That made me think I need something else to say, something that means the same thing, at least to us, a code word or something.  A friend suggested saying “Yes, Michael.”  While a great suggestion, I don’t think it would work for us.  I rarely say that and I think the times I have said it, it’s been dripping with sarcasm…not recently of course!   I thought about it a bit more and came up with an idea…”YS”…Y for Yes, and S for Sir.  Just say the letters out loud, Y S.  It sounds kind of like “Why, Yes” doesn’t it?  I think that’s what others would think I was saying, and yet Michael and I would both know what I was really saying.  I’m pretty sure he thinks the idea is silly, but I haven’t even tried it out yet.  Maybe it will feel silly and I won’t end up using it, who knows.  *shrug*  I’m open to any other suggestions, by the way.
Several of you have asked about the situation that caused all the stress.  Now you know a bit more, that it involves our daughter.  I took her to the doctor on Monday and she went for some more testing this morning, but we have no answers yet.  Her symptoms have eased a bit, which is good, but they haven’t gone away.  Hopefully soon we’ll find out what’s going on.  I hope and pray that it’s not anything serious, that it’s something that can be successfully treated and that she’ll be feeling a lot better very soon.  As a mom I really just want to be able to fix this for her, to make it go away, to take it on myself, but I can’t do that.  I’m doing what I can and really have to leave the rest in God’s hands…easier said than done.


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