My Accountability Partner


That would be Michael.  I mean, obviously he’s so much more than that.  He’s my husband, the father of my children, the love of my life, etc.  But, he’s also my accountability partner…one with enough power to impose consequences when I fail to follow through.  This makes him a very effective accountability partner!  Well, when he actually holds me accountable that is.

I’ve been struggling in some areas and Michael agreed to help me, to hold me accountable.  But he’s given me a lot of leeway lately.  The problem with that is the more he lets me slip, the more he enables me to fail to follow through.  I start to think that maybe these things just aren’t that important to him.  And if they’re not that important to him, should they be important to me?  Maybe he thinks that I should have a handle on these things on my own and so perhaps he regrets agreeing to help me?

And that brings me to a place where I struggle not to feel guilty for asking him for help.  I tend to start thinking that I should be able to handle on it on my own, that I shouldn’t need any extra motivation to follow through.  But the fact is, I was struggling on my own, whether I should’ve been or not.  And I did ask for help from Michael, whether I should’ve needed to or not.  And he did agree to help me, to hold me accountable, whether he regrets it now or not.

He’s not giving me leeway in all areas.  Some things he’s been very firm about lately.  It leaves me a little confused honestly.  I guess I need to know what’s really important to him and if he’s willing to help me with things that I feel are important, even if he doesn’t care about them as much.  I don’t want or need to be micromanaged and he doesn’t want to micromanage me.  But, I could use more help from him than I’ve been getting.  But then I think that maybe I’m being selfish and self centered.  What does he need?  Maybe he needs me to be able to take care of this stuff on my own.  He has a lot on his plate without adding checking up on me to his list.  I don’t know.  I feel like maybe my head just isn’t on straight or something.  Maybe I’ve forgotten what straight is, everything seems askew to me right now.

Honestly, I keep feeling as if we’re going to be making a big shift in direction.  It started with the change in maintenance, but I feel like it’s going to end up encompassing a lot more than that.  Who knows?  Maybe not, maybe I’m wrong.  I’m not entirely sure where we’re headed from here, and I’m not sure if Michael knows yet either.  And maybe, I need to stop over thinking things and just take them as they come.  I know I have a tendency to do that, over think things, that is.  I do hope that we get a chance to talk soon, really talk I mean.  I just want to know what he’s thinking, how he feels about all of this, if he’s thinking it’s time for a major overhaul or if he just wants to tweak things a bit.  But, maybe what I really need right about now is just for him to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright.

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