Is this the end?

I had a good weekend overall, very good actually.  I think Michael did too.  But maintenance fell off the agenda again.  It was a strange turn of events actually because Saturday morning started off with a spanking…a reconnect.  And Michael decided that he was going to step things up and give me three spankings a day for the weekend.  I had the one Saturday morning and then he had me set an alarm on my cell phone for 3:30 that afternoon with the understanding that I was to remind him when it went off if he was in the middle of something or it seemed that he’d forgotten.  That spanking did happen, but it was a little delayed.  That was okay, we were both busy with other stuff.  So, that was two spankings down, both short and to the point, and one to go for Saturday.  Number three was supposed to be my maintenance spanking for the weekend.  But there was no number three.  Sunday came and the three spankings I was to receive never happened either, not one of them.  That didn’t really bother me as I don’t know how he planned to fit those in with our schedule on Sunday anyway.  But, that night I wondered if he would even say anything about maintenance.  He didn’t.  The night before he had told me that he’d decided to postpone it until the next night because we were both so tired Saturday night.  Then Sunday night came and not a word was said.

Should I have said something?  Saturday he and I had a discussion about me not telling him when I need something from him.  He was upset with me because I’d known Friday night that I probably needed a reconnect, but I didn’t say anything.  And that’s why the reconnect happened on Saturday morning…but it came after I had a mini-meltdown.  And the mini-meltdown probably wouldn’t have occurred if the spanking had taken place the night before.  So, Michael made a new rule.  I’m not allowed to keep such pertinent info to myself.  I’m not allowed to hide such things from him.  He’s not a mind reader and if I know I need something, then I have to tell him.  When he asked me if I understood I said yes and I said that I’d try.  While I understood the reasoning for the new rule, I also wasn’t so sure how I felt about it.  Why?  Well, honestly, sometimes I think he knows that I need something and just doesn’t want to deal with it, with me.  If he’s unsure, he could just ask, right?  I mean, I try my best to be honest with him, even if I’m not thrilled to admit that yeah, just maybe I need a spanking.  And it’s not like I’ve never asked for one or said that I thought I needed one or mentioned that I felt all out of sorts, etc.  I don’t know, I guess maybe I feel like it’s kind of a cop out on his part.  I know that sounds kind of harsh, but, well, I do wonder.

I don’t know if Michael forgot about maintenance last night or if he decided not to follow through with it.  It was late, we were tired, he had to get up early, I understand all of that.  But, if it was a decision, why didn’t he talk to me about it?  Was he afraid of the repercussions, didn’t want to deal with things if I started spiraling?  He knew something was on my mind last night because every now and then he’d ask me about it.  But I’d brush him off and just say I love you or that I had a nice weekend or something…all true things, but not really what I was thinking about.  But, for one thing, I was trying to be patient.  I didn’t know that he wasn’t going to spank me later, but I suspected as much.  I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and wait and see what happened.  And I was telling myself that I needed to chill, it wasn’t a big deal, I didn’t really need it, focus on the nice weekend we had together, not what didn’t pan out, etc.

I was able to cuddle up to him and go to sleep and not get all worked up and upset about it.  I was disappointed, more because he hadn’t even said anything about it than anything, but I wasn’t really upset.  And that’s how I feel today too.  I laid in bed for a bit this morning and sorted through my thoughts and feelings, wondering how I should feel and processing how I actually did feel.  I decided to send Michael an email…

I had a really nice weekend.  I hope you did too.  But, there’s something I need to talk to you about.
Did you forget last night or decide not to?
I think maybe we shouldn’t do maintenance anymore.  There have been too many times when you’re either unwilling or unable to follow through.  And whether I happen to want it at the time or not, it ends up hurting my feelings.  It’s an expectation to begin with and then you reinforce that by talking about it and then it doesn’t happen.  I think at this point that’s detrimental to us moving forward because I start to question things and I end up either upset or feeling unsettled.
You could still spank when you see a need…call it a reconnect, a reaffirmation of roles or whatever…but it wouldn’t be planned and therefore there wouldn’t be any expectation of it happening.

He hasn’t replied yet.  Who knows if he’s even seen it yet, much less had the chance to read it.  He's busy working and I know that.  I'm not in a hurry for a reply, but I do wonder if he's read it yet or not.  Maybe he has and is thinking about what I’ve said, considering my words and hopefully the feelings and intent behind them.  I’m not trying to be manipulative; it’s just that I don’t feel like maintenance is really working for us.  When there’s been follow through, it’s been great.  However, when the follow through isn’t there, it just creates problems.  I end up thinking that he can’t be bothered or that he feels it’s unimportant.  I end up feeling forgotten about and needy.  And then if it happens after I’m already upset, I often end up fighting it.  At that point it feels like he’s only following through because I’m upset, not because he should’ve followed through to begin with.  And that can lead to me feeling resentful and the situation often gets tense and emotional.  Yes, we work it out and usually we end up reconnected and at a good place again.  But, why do we have to go through all of that crappy stuff to get back to a good place?  Whether an HOH understands it or not, inconsistency hurts on an emotional level and personally I’d rather have the pain of a spanking.  If you can’t or don’t want to follow through for some reason, at least talk with her about it.  And if you have a problem with forgetting, set an alarm on your phone or leave yourself a post it note on your bedside table or something.  If you put it off and put it off and put it off until it’s too late and/or you're both too tired, then ask yourself why.  Is the lack of follow through due to the fact that it's something you don’t actually want to do?  If so, you need to be real with yourself and your spouse and decide where to go from here, what changes you want or need to make.   If it is in fact something you want to do, then maybe the lack of follow through means that you need to work on time management and/or self discipline.

Maybe I sound harsh, and if I do, I apologize, especially to Michael.  It’s just that I’m tired of the mixed messages and hurt feelings.  I want to move past it.  If he wants to keep doing ttwd, then we need to make some changes.  I don’t expect him to be perfect.  I’m so far from perfect myself it isn’t even funny.  But, it seems like this is becoming a pattern of behavior and I feel it needs to be addressed.  If I start to develop a pattern of behavior that is affecting us in a negative way, I expect him to address it.  Of course our approaches are different, but I’m not doing my job if I sit idly by either.

So, will this be the end of maintenance?  I don’t know.  I do hope that Michael will really hear what I’m saying and understand my intent.  I’m not trying to tell him what to do.  I’m communicating a problem, an issue, and offering a suggestion for a solution.  Truthfully I don’t know how I’m going to feel about whatever decision he makes, but I do recognize that it’s his to make and I accept that.


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