Fast and Furious
That’s how the changes have been coming lately. It seems like the baby steps we had been taking led us to a really big step. I was nervous about it, but excited too. Michael stopped and even took a step back to make sure this was where he wanted to lead us first. But, once he made the decision we were off and running!
For one thing, it seems like DD and D/s are becoming more intertwined. We tried to keep them a bit more separate at first because it confused me sometimes. I mean, was the spanking for discipline or was it really just foreplay? I guess I needed to learn to trust Michael’s intentions and by now I’m well aware of what kind of spanking it is, whether there’s a separation or not. I do need some aftercare after a punishment before I’m comfortable moving on to other endeavors though and Michael understands and respects that. I guess as we grow and move forward ttwd applies so much more than either DD or D/s because, for us, it’s really a combination of the two. The lines are becoming blurred and they’re not completely separate entities anymore. I’m not sure they ever were completely separate anyway, but they’re even less so now.
Michael’s extending his reach. This has brought us into uncharted waters and is certainly a test for that more independent side of me. His dominance seems palpable now, not something in the background any longer. He’s paying more attention, a lot more attention. And he’s expecting a lot more from me. But, he’s also giving a lot more of himself. He said something the other day about my submission being almost like a drug to him, the more of it he gets, the more of it he wants. I don’t think I even replied to him because I was in shock. That’s exactly how I feel about his dominance. He’s been checking in with me from time to time just to make sure that I’m okay with how things are progressing. He wants to be sure that we’re on the same page, that we want the same thing. Truthfully it’s what I’ve wanted all along, but I was afraid to admit it, even perhaps to myself.
There are so many examples I could give of how things are between us now, of how we’re growing and changing. I could tell you about how he told me that I couldn’t allow myself release while he brought me closer and closer to the brink until he gave me permission. I could tell you about how he doesn’t hesitate to spank when my attitude or actions aren’t in line with his expectations. I could tell you about how I didn’t hesitate before begging for his forgiveness, even calling him Sir, in front of friends, when I did something that really upset him. Thankfully, I don’t think they heard any of it (we were in a busy, noisy restaurant and they were discussing something with each other at the time). Hopefully they didn’t notice and glean much from our body language either actually. But, I guess if they did…oh well.
I could tell you about how Michael asked me at the start of our day if I wanted to be his good little girl and how I bit my lower lip and nodded my head yes. I could tell you how much that pleased him and how it changed my outlook on the whole day. Instead of worrying about falling short or upsetting him, looking for the negative, instead I just concentrated on pleasing him. And we had a great day! In fact, I was so well behaved that he said I deserved a good girl spanking (something I read about on Riley’s blog). Unfortunately we never got around to trying that out. He did give me a rain check though. ; ) It will be something new for us, previous spankings have been either erotic or disciplinary in nature. I’m really not sure how either of us will feel about it, but I look forward to finding out. : )
I will say that when Michael first started stepping things up more, I started rebelling a bit. I didn’t understand it myself. I mean, he was giving me what I wanted. Logically it made no sense to me, and yet, I was pulling back, backsliding. I’m not sure if I was testing him or if I was kind of panicking and trying to take back some control. Maybe it was a bit of both. This sort of thing has happened before, but not to the same extent. But then again, this was a bigger step we were taking. Michael didn’t let it rattle him though, or if he did, he didn’t let me see that. Instead, he forced me to communicate (I know, what a big meanie!). He also became more firm, but at the same time he started to encourage me more. He was paying very close attention and was very attentive and loving. I needed that, all of it. He’s so patient with me. Honestly I don’t know how he does it. I know I’m not that patient!
This week is likely to be a bit rough around the edges. I made up a daily schedule and Michael is now overseeing it. The schedule is supposed to help me stay on track and get a bit more organized. I made it up for myself actually, not at Michael’s request. You see, once upon a time I was a very organized person. And while it was a good thing that I learned to be more flexible, sometimes now I’m really more lax about things than I should be. I also have a tendency to lose track of time sometimes, especially when technology is involved. I’m hoping that a schedule will help me to organize my time better and get more accomplished. Some things may need to be adjusted a bit once I get a feel for how it’s working for me, but overall I hope it will be a good thing. I know it’s going to be a HUGE adjustment for me though and I imagine I’m going to struggle a bit. Michael knows that too, and that’s why, for right now anyway, his focus is on my efforts and encouraging me, on the spirit of the law, not on the letter of the law.
I feel like this post has been all over the place a bit, but maybe that’s because that’s how I’m feeling at the moment. I just got an email from my parents letting me know that they’re coming for a visit and bringing my nephew along with them. This is fabulous news and I’m so excited, but it also will turn life upside down for a couple of weeks. I have time to prepare though and I hope to have a wonderful visit with them. I wonder if they’ll notice a difference, between Michael and I that is, in our relationship, in how we interact and relate to one another. When we saw them last we hadn’t embarked on this journey yet. It should be interesting!